By Mark E. Smith
Friends of mine installed an “invisible” dog fence, one where a wire is buried in the ground, and if the dog gets close to it, it safely shocks him via a collar, deterring him from crossing the boundary. My friends trained the dog well with the system, and for over a year, he stayed in its boundaries. However, one day, my friend came home to discover the dog lying on the front driveway, well outside of the invisible fence, sunning himself without a care in the world.
Of course, my friend presumed that the fence wasn’t working, and the installer came out to check the system. Oddly, all was working correctly. Wondering how the dog got out of the invisible fence, they decided to try an experiment. They placed the dog on the inside of the invisible fence, stood on the outside, and called the dog. At first hesitant, the dog then suddenly charged through the shock field, right to freedom. Sure, the dog was momentarily shocked by the fence, but he seemed to know that by simply getting past an instant of pain – and not being deterred by the prospect to begin with – he could go wherever he wished. Till this day, you’ll find that dog sunning himself on the driveway, his owners having given up on trying to contain him in the backyard – he set his own boundaries, and my friends have learned to respect them.
We should all take a lesson from that bold dog. How many boundaries – how many limitations in our own lives – are we refusing to overcome, not because we can’t, but because we simply don’t? How many of us aren’t living our best lives because we’re simply not willing to truly explore our potentials, thrown off by past experiences, fear of the unknown, or avoidance of potential discomfort?
Yet, here’s the bigger question that summarizes them all: How many of us are turning reasons into excuses? We all know that aspects aren’t right in our lives – maybe its our relationships, career, health, finances, or disability – but why aren’t we making painstaking, life-changing efforts to address them? Why aren’t we bursting through the invisible fences in our lives?
This past summer, I had to look at my own potentials, and once again question if I, myself, wasn’t turning a reason into an excuse? I was fortunate to have been in the midst of my best summer ever, with a boat on a lake, spending remarkable quality time with family and friends on the weekends. Water sports were big on my boat, from tubing at speed behind the boat to anchoring and swimming in glass-calm coves. Yet, week after week, while everyone else was in and out of the water till no end, I stayed in my wheelchair, behind the helm, never entering the water. See, when I was a child, I took swimming lessons, and my muscle tone and muscle spasms were so severe due to my cerebral palsy that I was instructed to never, ever enter the water again, for if I did – even with a life vest – I could easily drown, sinking like a rock. So, despite having a life-long passion for boating, I stayed out of the water my entire adult life – fearful of it based on my childhood experience and warnings.
Yet, this past summer, as boating days past, I wondered if I shouldn’t go into the water – that is, I wondered if I wasn’t turning a reason, cerebral palsy, into an excuse, my own fear of the water? I wondered if my not swimming was an invisible fence that I was simply accepting as one of my life’s boundaries?
Interestingly, as the summer went by, family and friends encouraged me to go into the water, and I explained to them that I couldn’t due to cerebral palsy – and they’d drop the issue, accepting the answer as a logical reason. But, I couldn’t accept the answer inside of myself. See, we can convince other people that reasons are reasons, but it’s much harder to convince ourselves, deep-down, that reasons aren’t excuses – it’s called shame.
Ask those in debt why they’re in debt, and their first reactions are usually to deny or minimize their situations. Debt is almost always based on a lack of personal accountability – spending more than one can afford – and there’s most often a sense of shame that goes with it, as shame occurs when we know we’re doing wrong, but keep doing it anyway. However, where the psychology of debt becomes really interesting is that it’s all about people turning reasons into excuses. After denial or attempted minimization, those in debt will almost always give you several seemingly logical reasons why they’re in debt when pushed on the subject: My car was old, so I needed a new one; we were expecting a baby, so we needed a bigger house; I had a rough year, so I deserved a vacation…. But, deep-down, most people in debt know why they’re in debt – that is, because they irresponsibly spend more money than they make. However, as long as they continue coming up with reasons as excuses – my car was old, so I had to buy a new one! – the dysfunction continues. Now, debt is one example of how using reasons as excuses holds us back, but it’s a component of most dysfunctions, and if we don’t stop using reasons as excuses in all areas of our lives, the courses of our lives never change for the better.
So, there I was nearing the end of the boating season, shameful in knowing that I was turning my reason, cerebral palsy, into an excuse for my fear of water. And, I knew that I had to address it – I had to live up to my potential, expanding my boundaries, crossing one of my invisible fences.
For two weekends in a row, I had swimming trunks laid out in the morning – and, for two weekends in a row I allowed fear to get the best of me, where I didn’t put them on, electing pants instead. Not wearing swimming trunks is yet another perfect reason – read that, excuse – not to go swimming!
The third weekend was the deal-breaker for me. I realized that I could easily keep using the reason why I couldn’t swim, cerebral palsy, as a lifelong excuse to never enter the water. Or, I could live up to my fullest potential, and push myself beyond my boundaries, overcoming my fear, taking the plunge into the lake. In an overly dramatic debate, I ultimately fathomed that the risk of drowning was far less of a consequence to me than living the rest of my life in fear, shame, and imposed limitations – that is, I’d rather take a so-called risk in a noble attempt to emotionally grow rather than live knowing that I couldn’t overcome my fear. I decided at that moment that I was going to stop turning a reason into an excuse, and simply force myself off of the boat, into the water. I was going to cross that particular invisible fence in my life.
I’ve pursued what some might kindly describe as brave accomplishments during my life, many out of pure necessity in living with disability. But, literally throwing myself off of my boat was among the most harrowing that I’ve ever approached. After all, I had built up decades of fear, and I had no clue what to expect when I hit the water. But, what was extraordinary was that once I crossed the point of no return – once I’d left the deck of the boat, and plunged into the water – fear immediately turned into liberation. No, the liberation wasn’t physical – after all, my body did tremendously struggle. Rather, the liberation that I experienced upon entering the water was emotional and psychological – I instantly knew that I had more control over the potentials in my life than ever before. As I thrashed about in my life vest, I was positive that the limitations in our lives truly are like invisible fences – they only hold us back when we refuse to cross them.
Surely, most of us turn reasons in our lives into excuses at times, where self-imposed complacency or fear keeps us from improving upon vital areas – relationships, careers, health, finances, or disability – not because we can’t, but because we simply don’t. However, if we are to move our lives forward, we have to take a lesson from that bold dog, and not just stare at our seeming boundaries in life, but charge through them with all of our might. See, what I’ve learned is that every excuse that we willingly remove from our lives – including those surrounding disability! – allows our lives to dramatically expand, and an amazing event occurs: We grow.
And, that’s the beauty of invisible fences – with honesty and courage, we can charge right through them, where our lives are no longer about self-imposed boundaries but about empowered liberation.