By Mark E. Smith
Don’t you hate it when people talk behind your back about your disability – especially when they’re completely honest and sincere, and only tell the truth?
I mean, I really don’t mind when my friends, family, and colleagues talk about my disability behind my back with others – but, I just don’t want them doing it with honesty and sincerity. After all, as I tell them, if you’re going to answer others’ questions about my disability, at least have the decency to treat the conversation with the tact that I would: Lie to my every advantage.
My sister frustrates me till no end by telling her friends the truth about my disability. She’s 13 years younger than me, meaning that, mathematically, while I’m in my late 30s, her hot friends are in their mid 20s – and, trust me, that’s a great thing. It’s also the perfect opportunity for her to lie in my favor, making a great thing even better.
With my sister and I having a close relationship, we often run into her friends when we’re out together at dinner or at social events, and my disability sometimes comes up in her conversations after the fact, as with her friends casually noting, “I didn’t know that your brother uses a wheelchair?”
Now, these conversations are the perfect chance for my dear sister to score points for me, to respect my wishes and honor my spirit. She has the ideal opportunity to flat-out lie to her hot friends, manipulating them beyond any truths about me – middle-aged, married, big ears, dorky – and tell a tale worthy of tears, where they’ll long to reach out to me with their soft, silicone-enhanced touches:
We really don’t like to talk about my brother, Mark’s, disability because it’s so tragic…. He was a renowned dolphin trainer in Orlando during the 1980s and ’90s, who could actually communicate with the dolphins. In fact, he was known as the “Dolphin Whisperer.” One day, he slipped along side the tank while rushing to the aid of a baby dolphin in distress, falling, hitting his head on the concrete. He was in a coma for 6 months. Then, in a last-ditch effort, we rolled him in his hospital bed to the dolphin tank that was always so close to his heart. Remarkably, a dolphin came out of the water, and gently laid its head on Mark’s chest, refusing to leave. Miraculously, that day, Mark awoke from his coma. He’s had cerebral palsy ever since….
See, that’s a great story, one that works on two very powerful levels – not only do hot chicks love dolphins, but they also love dolphin trainers. Truly, everyone wins from such a touching story – especially me.
But, can you believe that my sister is so heartless that she forgoes such powerful prose about me, opting for the truth? I mean, come on, everyone knows that the fundamental principal to Disabled Dude 101, is that when a hot chick inquires about your disability, the truth is not to be told under any circumstance – a bold-faced lie is a necessity.
Sure, my sister naively explains that not only is it morally wrong to tell such lies, but that she also couldn’t keep a straight face when recounting such an absurd story about my disability. “Duh,” I tell her. “That’s why I took acting classes. If you wish to lie like a pro about this whole disability thing, you need professional training. It ain’t easy pulling tears from jaded, hot chicks in bustling bars – it takes years of practice and a lot of talent.”
As for my wife, she’s understandably offended by my self-serving compulsion to want others to tell tall tales about the origin of my disability. But, of course, she knows the honest to goodness truth from my confiding in her when we first met: I really received my disability while saving a school bus full of helpless children.
PowerchairDiaries 
I never realized you had big ears–I thought it was just the stylish buzz cut.
jeez, that ‘dolphin whisperer’ idea could be a movie…it’s just ridiculous enough. you should write a treatment and shop it around. no kidding.