I’m not superstitious – except when it comes to the number 3 and wheelchairs.
Black cats can cross my path all day; I’ll roll underneath ladders without a care; and, my muscle spasms have caused me to break countless mirrors in my life. And, none of it worries me a bit.
But, if I encounter two users with wheelchair issues, I have to close my eyes, and count backward to negative 100. Why, you ask? Because if I don’t break the curse, another user will experience a wheelchair issue. After all, I don’t want anyone to have any wheelchair issue, ever, let alone three people.
But, it’s a proven fact that users have wheelchair issues in groups of 3. You’ve heard of people dying in groups of 3, well wheelchairs break in groups of 3, too. I don’t know why wheelchairs have issues in groups of 3, but they do. If someone in Tampa has a battery issue, and someone in Toledo has a seating issue, within ten minutes, I’ll receive an email from someone in Tempe with a funding issue. It’s always 3. Is it completely bizarre? Sure. Does it consistently occur? Absolutely. Read the WheelchairJunkie.com Message Board, you’ll see.
Of course, I’ve tried to figure out the cause of the Mystery Pattern of 3, looking for a scientific explanation – is it based on weather, or the seasons when people are outside more, or during months when more new wheelchairs are sold than others? Maybe even the lunar phases somehow affect wheelchairs? But, alas, I haven’t found an answer – at least, not based in science.
What I have concluded is that it’s a conspiracy. No, I don’t normally believe in conspiracies – but, this one is just that, a conspiracy. After watching Oliver Stone’s JFK, and reading countless books on Area 54, I’ve determined that it’s probably not that wheelchairs break in threes, but that there’s a secret network where users make plans – even scheduling dates – sending me their issues in groups of threes, trying to freak me out (no, I’m not paranoid, either – except, of course, when it comes to people who are out to get me).
I mean, how else do you explain the fact that Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa, and Amelia Earhart all contacted me the other night about their wheelchairs needing repair?