Tag: humility

Wanna be a Rock Star?

By Mark E. Smith

At some point, one must get smarter about these things – I must get smarter about these things. At some point, unlike Peter Pan, we should all grow up.

I’m heading out on the road, with a jam-packed schedule – first Detroit, then Atlanta for Medtrade. They’re back-to-back trips, with one whole day home in-between, just enough to repack and catch-up with my daughter. It’s a nine-day stint in total.

After well over a decade of these types of trip, I’ve seen it all and done it all, and while it’s been a blast – and made for some great writing and tales to be told – at some point one has to put the work above all else, and dial down the after hours shenanigans for healthier pursuits like sleep. The goal isn’t to pride yourself on rock-starring it all night, then showing up for your gig on time the next day, but to prioritize your actual job at hand – and that means forgoing the whole rock-star part. It’s almost like there has to be humility to it all, where you just do your job, find something to eat, and go back to your hotel room for some reading and a full night’s sleep. No boozing, no parties, no chasing chicks – just a call home, shower, and eight hours of sleep. Is that the life of over-the-top stories and rock-star fantasies come true? No, but it’s a heck of a wise way to live if your career is a priority and you want to live by example for those around you – in my case, my teen daughter.

In Detroit, one day, I have an 8:00am corporate talk, then an 8:00pm keynote, more of a ruckus, rousing one-man show, introduced by one of Detroit’s top news anchors. I have to be up by 5:00am, knock the ball out of the park during the morning talk, then shift gears for a totally different gig that evening, where my energy level is through the roof. And, Medtrade is far more demanding yet, in that it’s a grueling schedule day after day, all week. Work like that, to the levels that I wish to perform, just can’t be done without a good night’s rest and sobriety.

I’ve written and talked about the highs and lows on the road, where the self-imposed chaos could take me from among the most glamorous scenes to the darkest of depression, the type of emotional roller-coaster that contributed to Vic Chestnut’s suicide. And, what I’ve realized is that it’s not the travel, or the work, or the scenes that cause such extremes, but the way we handle them – a loss of perspective and humility.

Sure, most want to be a rock star on the road, living clips of the lifestyle. But, the fact is, I’m no musician with throngs of fans, fueled by booze and chicks. Rather, I’m just a full-time single dad, trying to make a living while making a difference, where good work and clean living is a boring truth. My goal is to do my jobs, move on to the next city, and get home to just being Dad and cleaning my bathroom.

Five-by-Seven

The smell doesn’t change – it hasn’t for over 100 years. It’s the smell of urine, feces, body odor, musty hair. And it fills the halls, where it permeates everything within its path – it’s the smell of despair, stripped humanity, the ever-slowly-wasting-away of souls. It’s where some of us visit, some of us live, and too many of us die.

I am, of course, describing residential care facilities for those with physical disabilities – or, more aptly, institutions. Over the 100 years, the common verbiage has changed from asylum, to home for incurables, to institution, to residential care facility. Yet, beyond a name, fundamentally, nothing has changed – not the facilities, not our cultural practices, not even the smells. Those with disabilities still line the halls, locked away from society in literal five-by-seven-foot rooms that have fewer amenities than a prison cell – not even a commode of their own. What you’ll see is a twin bed pressed against the wall, a dresser, a TV, and a common cardboard box with one’s worldly possessions. Nine years, a woman with multiple sclerosis told me she’d been in her room – and I looked at the windowless walls of degraded paint, and thought to myself, Nine years of starring at blank walls absorbing her dignity, humanity, sanity. Nine years dying an emotional death, where she’s treated with less dignity than a convicted murderer on death row.

Now, it’s easy to point fingers and blame the mainstream for still accepting institutionalized care, still locking those with physical disabilities behind stone facades while the rest of the community drives by in luxury cars, never giving a thought to who’s hidden away in that “historic” building. And, it’s easy for families to convince themselves that it’s what’s best for their Billy or Diane, those who have severe physical disabilities, whose families know not else what to do.

However, I hold myself to a much tougher standard, knowing that I, too, am to blame. See, with a flip of a coin, I could have spent my life in a five-by-seven-foot room, where my humanity was stripped, and I wasted away, never to be known. As I tour institutions today, I see not those who should be there, but those just like me if a simple call had been made or the right question asked, where my severe disability and ultimately neglectful parents should have landed me in an institution. But, like missing a flight by moments, later to learn that it crashed, I didn’t end up in an institution. Instead, I went on to college, career, and family – a normality I could have easily never known. And, for those of us with disabilities living independent, upper-middle-class lives, we’d like to think that it’s due to our hard work or perseverance. But, it’s not. It’s just happenstance and luck, where the only difference between us and them was a cosmic coin toss, a stroke of luck that flung us down one path instead of the other, saving our lives while those just as worthy as us – our exact image – weren’t so fortunate.

And, with that reality – that the only factor that prevented me from being institutionalized due to disability was a random, cosmic coin toss – I struggle to live with the guilt and shame that consumes me: What have I done to help any of my peers who remain locked away? Who am I to sleep soundly at night in my custom home, on Egyptian cotton sheets, while my peers lay in a degraded five-by-seven-foot room, on soiled bedding, starring at windowless walls, their lives absorbed by the stench of it all? Who the hell am I to have escaped the death sentence of an institution, and not have had the presence of mind to go back and carry even one of my peers out on my shoulders?

Where Love Grows

By Mark E. Smith

The Hayes stop by my company once per year, either on their way to Maine in May, or on their way back to North Carolina in September. Snowbirds, they are.

I have no idea exactly how long they’ve been married, but I’d guess 45 years, based their age, as well as having three grown grandchildren. And, they’re madly in love – and it’s contagious to everyone around them.

And, so, it’s no surprise that when Mrs. Hayes was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis years ago, Mr. Hayes took an early retirement, and dedicated himself not just to his wife’s eventual full-time care, but also toward doing an astounding job of continuing with their dream retirement, going between North Carolina and Maine.

I’ve been in a unique position in that I’ve seen snapshots of Mrs. Hayes’ progression, yearly glimpses into her loss of function, to the point this September that she can only move her head a bit. Yet, what would seem like bittersweet annual visits are actually uplifting, a true lesson in life – and love.

See, despite the progression of multiple sclerosis, the Hayes simply seem happier every time I visit with them – projecting a contentment, zest, and love for life we should all be blessed with. And, it’s intrigued me to the point that I’ve striven to define what they intrinsically know that many others don’t, how they simply get happier the tougher life gets?

What I’ve determined is a profound truth: They continually inspire each other.

Think about how many couples we know with everything to be thankful for – health and wealth – but all they do is bicker and disrespect each other. There’s no admiration or inspiration seen in each other – just two unappreciative people, living a devalued life.

However, the Hayes are different. They know that the other is putting 100% into life, the marriage, and everyone around them – and are so inspired by each other that they each give more and more. The result is a cumulative effect, where it’s like inspiration squared, admiration compounded, love volleyed back and forth that just grows and grows and grows.

And, so there are two questions that the Hayes teach us to ask in our own relationships: Does our partner inspire us, and are we inspiring our partner?

If the answer is, yes, then we are doing everything right, living an ultimately-fulfilled life of truly reciprocating love – a love that just grows and grows and grows.

However, if we’re in a relationship where we’re not mutually inspired with our partners, then we need to make changes for the better – starting with ourselves, allowing ourselves to inspire and love fully.

Yet, the ultimate lesson that the Hayes teach us is that we don’t have a limited reservoir for inspiration and love. Rather, we have the unique capacity for boundless inspiration, where love doesn’t merely exist, but can constantly grow.

Just Jump!

By Mark E. Smith

OK, I know what you’re thinking: Mark’s back in Vegas again? Publicly, I guess it does seem like I’m in Vegas a lot, but really it’s only a few weekends per year. …OK, so, yes, I’m in Vegas again – but I love this place! And, this time is different, namely because I’m with my girlfriend and our two daughters – sort of like the Brady Bunch, minus four kids, Alice, Sam the Butcher, and Cousin Oliver. But, really, we’re in Vegas for a three-day weekend on a much more serious note: Personal growth as individuals and as a group.

Our daughters are moving toward 14 and 16, mine being the older. It’s a pivotal time in their lives, where we want them to be empowered, to know their amazing potentials as strong, poised, confident young ladies. In this messed-up culture that sends airbrushed, cosmetically-enhanced messages that no woman is ever good enough, we say, nonsense – every woman is more than enough, perfect as-is, capable of whatever she dreams. And, this is why we’re in Vegas, encouraging our daughters to step of the 108th floor of the Stratosphere, plummeting 855 feet to the ground.

…Well, maybe I should clarify the jumping off of the building part. See, the Stratosphere, on the outreach of the Vegas strip, is a replica of Seattle’s Space Needle. The only real difference is that if you jump off the Space Needle, you die; whereas, with the Stratosphere, you’re perched on a ledge, wearing a harness, and as you leap, control cables guide you safely to the ground, slowing you to your feet at the end. Yet, despite the safety factors, stepping off of that ledge on the 108th floor, 855 feet off of the ground, and virtually free falling, takes a huge amount of courage and confidence. And, I explain this to our girls at dinner the night before:

At points in our lives, we each find ourselves perched on a ledge. If we have the courage to jump – maybe it’s a career step, or starting or ending a relationship, or any aspect of life that requires us to stretch our comfort zone – we grow. However, if we don’t have the courage to make those leaps, our lives stagnate, we go nowhere. Both of you girls are doing an amazing job in school, with huge life potential ahead of you. But, you’ll need to take leaps of courage along the way to do it. Let the literal Stratosphere SkyJump be a lesson in life, where you’ll carry it with you, knowing that you have the courage and strength to take big leaps in life whenever needed….

After the jump, I tell the girls how proud of them I am, and they share how the scariest part was preparing for the jump, that once they summoned the courage to step off of the ledge, the liberation of flying through the air was amazing.

Really, for all us, no matter our backgrounds or challenges, there’s a lesson to be learned here, isn’t there? Success in all areas of life is all but guaranteed, as long as we have the courage to take initial leaps out of our comfort zones. A lot of times challenges are easy, but stepping off of the ledge, into a seemingly new territory is the hard part. Yet, when we summon the courage to simply step off of the ledge, our lives always move to the next level. As I told the girls, just jump!

Raising Expectations

By Mark E. Smith

At this writing, my daughter is in her first week of the 10th grade. It’s unquestionably the most pivotal point in her academic career – and, make no mistake, the expectations are set high.

See, the 10th grade is where colleges begin looking at grade-point averages, curriculum, and extra-curricular activities toward college admissions – and, again, make no mistake, their expectations are set high, where they want the best of the best.

However, it’s really not the universities’ expectations that matter; rather, it’s my daughter’s expectations that matter. My daughter’s self-expectations will determine how well her school year – and ultimately all of high school – goes toward college admissions. So, wisely, she has set her expectations high, too. Her grade-point average can’t be below 3.8 and, ideally, should be a perfect 4.0 or higher (honors classes can increase it). Her expectations aren’t to cruise through high school with no forethought, but to expect nothing less than to remain at the top of her class.

Yet, here’s what’s interesting about my daughter: She’s not an intellectual genius or such – just a regular 15-year-old who happens to know that whatever expectations she sets create her success.

It’s truly a lesson for all of us: What we expect is typically what we achieve. Set low expectations for yourself, and you’ll receive dismal results. Set high expectations for yourself and you’ll achieve amazing results. My great-grandmother always said, “It’s just as easy to love a good man as it is a bad man, so why not love a good man?” Really, she was hitting at the heart of self-expectation – what you pursue is what you get, so pursue the best.

In the disability realm, I can tell you for a fact that self-expectations play the single largest role toward successful living. I’ve known those with the severest of disabilities, and those with minor disabilities – and while physicality should dictate that those with more severe disabilities should have a tougher plight, that those with minor disabilities should be more successful, it simply doesn’t prove true. We see some with minor disabilities wallowing in life, while those with sever disabilities achieve amazing success. It becomes evident, then, that the single key factor between success and failure is self-expectation. If one with a minor disability believes one’s life is over, it is – low self-expectation achieve low results. However, if one with high self-expectations believes one can accomplish anything, one can – again, high self-expectations accomplish high results.

The key, then, is for all of us to look at each aspect of our lives, and ask ourselves the vital question of, Am I setting my expectations high enough? I mean, Am I pursuing the career I’m capable of; am I pursuing the relationships I’m worth of; am I being the best parent that I can be? Most importantly, Am I setting my expectations high enough in all aspects of my life to achieve the high results I’m worthy of and that those around me deserve?

Of course, increasing our self-expectations can be scary at first. If we expect little, then there’s no risk of disappointment, right? Going back to my daughter, if she had low expectations toward her grades, a D wouldn’t matter. However, because her expectations are to achieve a 3.8 grade-point average or better, a D would be devastating. But, setting low expectations to avoid feelings of failure is flawed logic. Sure, if you have low expectations, you’re less likely to be disappointed by any failure; yet, that’s only because you’re setting yourself up for failure! Setting high self-expectations may seem like a risk for failure – and it sometimes can be in the short term – but in the long term, it’s the only true guarantee for success. Again, what we expect plays a key role in what we achieve, so simply raising our self-expectations – and putting effort toward it, of course – will bring success. Put simply, there’s nothing but risk in low expectations, as we will fail; however, there’s virtually no risk in high expectations because it ensures success at some level.

Let us each raise our self-expectations in all aspects of our lives, and live to those standards. Why? Because we’re each worth it.

Living as Josh Does

By Mark E. Smith

Twenty-one-year-old Josh has been an increasingly remarkable spirit in my life since I met him four years ago. I’ve never known a young person with such wisdom and insight, making our recent conversation par for the course based on Josh’s amazing character.

Josh was diagnosed in his adolescence with a very progressive form of muscular dystrophy. However, unlike many others with his prognosis, the disease didn’t progress as rapidly as usual – that is until approximately two years ago. In fact, when I first met Josh, he was still walking, using a mobility scooter for longer distances. Yet, in the last two years, the disease caught up with him, dramatically diminishing muscle tone. I’ve seen Josh go from drinking from a soda can normally, to struggling to lift it with two hands; and, I’ve seen Josh go from walking to not being able to transfer himself from a power wheelchair.

Make no mistake, the physical realities of Josh’s condition are disheartening. But, the lessons learned and the personal growth that’s resulted from his challenges have been inspiring, teaching us both invaluable lessons along the way.

Josh and I have traveled a lot together, working trade shows, summer camps, and advocacy events. We’ve lobbied the halls of Capitol Hill, and rock-starred it in Los Angeles. However, the heart of our friendship has been formed from our weekly phone calls, where every Thursday, Josh and I talk on the phone, tossing around subjects ranging from relationships to dealing with disability to music. My role is supposed to be that of mentor, but Josh has so much wisdom and is so reflective of the struggles and victories that we all face, that I often think I learn more from him than he does from me.

One of Josh’s recent victories – and a process that we talked about for many months – was his driving independently via an accessible van. After a year and a $120,000 in technology, Josh now independently drives a van with ultra-high-end hand controls that are closer to resembling those that control an airplane more so than a car. And, for his first long-distance drive this summer, he drove 3-1/2 hours to vacation at a lake where he vacationed often as a child.

When we spoke the week after his vacation, he explained to me that the trip was ultimately a realization for him: Most of the activities that he could do as a teen – boating, fishing, and so on – were no longer feasible or easily accomplished, that he realized in very real terms the progression of his condition.

I, of course, asked how he felt about his sudden realization of the progression of his condition? And, his answer was a lesson for all of us. Josh explained that what realizing how much his condition has progressed made him intimately understand is the importance of making the most of today because we don’t know what tomorrow brings.

I couldn’t have been prouder of Josh’s insight because it demonstrated a perspective that we should all live by: Being bitter or regretful of our pasts – or of what’s seemingly been lost – is pointless. Valuing our present – no matter the circumstances – is truly what it’s about.

Moving well beyond disability, think about how many of us dwell on past relationships, childhood trauma, lost jobs – you name it – where rather than accepting, healing, and evolving to live fully in the present, we just get stuck in the past. Josh could have likewise gotten caught in the past, returning home bitter as to what his condition has done. Instead, he recognized the past as just that – gone, done, over – and was even more inspired to appreciate whatever abilities that he has today. It’s kind of like rather than dwelling on how bad your past relationship was, you focus on how great the current one is – that’s how you move forward.

And, if there’s a single lesson that Josh teaches us, it’s to live in the present, simply appreciating all that we have today.

No Moments Slip By

By Mark E. Smith

John Sparicino was my first banker. He was in his seventies, and I was 18, having just graduated high school. I was emptying my bank account to go knock around Portugal and Spain for a few weeks, with little idea what I’d do when I got back – maybe line-up some speaking gigs, freelance write, enroll in college, or all of the above. All I really new was that I had read Hemingway, and going off on a foreign adventure seemed like a great idea.

When John asked why I was cashing in my savings for traveler’s checks, I told him of my half-thought plan to go cross Portugal and Spain in my manual wheelchair for a few weeks – and to my surprise, he told me it was the best idea he’d heard in years. “All we have at the end of our lives are memories and the people we shared them with – make lot’s of them,” he told me.

In my roles within the disability world, I deal with mortality on a daily basis – those who are in the process of dying, and those who have died. And, that old banker, John Sparicono’s, words have proved among the most profound wisdom I’ve ever leaned. See, over and over, when I’m friends with those who are terminally ill, money, status, or careers are never a priority. Rather, what they reflect upon are the memories and relationships that truly made their lives worthy and memorable. All the money in the world means nothing when we’re dying – it’s who’s by our side that’s all that counts.

And, what I’ve learned is that the same holds true in life: The relationships we form and the fond memories we make are what truly matters. And, when we move beyond living to impress others with our careers or material possessions, we move closer to lives of true merit, of true meaning, of true connections, where our true net worth is based on who we love and how deeply we love.

There’s someone special in my life these days, and while we both work hard and have the ability to materialistically do some neat things in life, we share the understanding that it’s the seemingly smallest sentiments in life that actually mean the most. We live about two hours apart, so weekends are our time together. Yet, on a Monday, after we’d spent the weekend together, she drove the two hours to surprise me on my lunch break. All the shared gifts and nights on the town have meant a lot, but for her to surprise me with her presence on my lunch break “just because,” meant the world to me – something I’ll never forget because of the genuine sentiments behind it.

Again, what really completes our lives are the true connections that we make with each other. And, it takes an openness and courage to make those connections. It takes a lot to be the first I say I love you. It takes a lot to express true concern for others. It takes a lot to say you’re sorry and make things right. But, when we’re emotionally expressive at that sincere level, we’re building a life of real connections, where at the end of it all, it’s not just a life of disposable goods, but one of everlasting adoration, love, and respect.

Let us not wait till our dying days to realize the ultimate purpose of life: To connect, express, and love others. After, all, we’re all living on borrowed time – don’t let a moment of creating cherished memories slip by, especially with those you love.

Consider the Source

By Mark E. Smith

Have you ever noticed how quick others are to make negative, diminishing comments as to your value as a person, from little snipes to direct put-downs? Often those closest to us are the worst offenders, using words to painfully try to degrade us. I remember as a very young child, my father constantly implying that I would never amount to anything due to my disability, and as much as the sting of that stays with me till this day, from as young as I can recall, I somehow had the insight to know that he was among the least qualified men on Earth to assess my “value.” The reality was, he was an unemployed alcoholic, who went on to be the poster boy for deadbeat dads – not exactly someone who should have been throwing stones in his glass house. If I could have expressed it at that young age, I would have gladly said, Remind me again how that beer can in your hand qualifies you as ultimate judge of my potential? You might say that I learned to “consider the source” at a very young age as to others’ assessments of me.

Of course, my father was no exception. It’s downright alarming how quick many are to strive to diminish others’ “value,” and it’s even more alarming how readily many take it to heart, feeling lesser because of what others have said. …Don’t be silly, you’ll never accomplish that. …Why would anyone ever love someone like you? …You’ll never amount to anything… I mean, I’m keeping my examples here tame compared to how vicious some can be – words from others that sting, scar, and damage. Think about how many children have had their dreams crushed, or how many spouses have had their self-worth shattered, by so-called loved ones diminishing their value with spiteful, hurtful, abusive words. Maybe you, too, have been there?

However, here’s what’s ironic about those who strive to diminish your value: They are not just morally wrong, they’re factually wrong. Assuming you’re living an integrity-based life, no one ever has a right to assess your value as a person – not your parents, not your significant other, not your friends, no one. While none of us are perfect – we all can always grow and improve – you are intrinsically “enough,” where you deserve to be embraced, wholly, as-is. No one gets a vote as to your intrinsic value – ever. You – and your higher power, if you practice such – are the sole deciding factor toward who you are, and what you can achieve, point blank.

What’s even more telling is when we consider the source of such verbal attacks. It’s never anyone of real merit. The Dali Lama or President never call to tell us how worthless we are. Rather, it’s always a bitter, deeply-troubled person – an alcoholic parent, spiteful spouse, or teen bully – who has no right to judge anyone. We know that anyone who’s compelled to belittle others to make oneself feel better is really projecting one’s own horrendous self image onto others.

I live my life very simply. I set my value high, where I know that I bring a vast offering to the table of life. Cerebral palsy is part of who I am, but not all of who I am. Yet, if someone is to be in my life at a sincere level, he or she must truly love and accept me wholly, as-is – no exceptions. In return, I love and accept others wholly, as-is. It’s these reciprocated, unconditional relationships that elevate our lives to levels of love, trust, and safety that are greater than many have ever known.

The next time someone takes a verbal swing at your value – not accepting you wholly, as-is – consider the source and don’t give such ignorant words credit. Little people say belittling things. Know that you are a giant in comparison, where you have unlimited potential to not just rise above all, but to truly soar.

Rock-Starring Into Oblivion

By Mark E. Smith

Indeed, I am on the cover of the July 2012 issue of New Mobility, as the author of the magazine’s feature story, which is an all-night, true-life tale of me in Vegas (and, yes, it involves booze, chicks, and a bowling shirt – that is, the cerebral palsy version of Charlie Sheen, minus bi-polar disorder and cocain).

For me, making the cover of New Mobility as just … well …me, is among the coolest accomplishment in my career – and very humbling. Appearing in mainstream magazines – usually skewed toward a heroic, inspirational persona – isn’t my gig. Who I really am is lost in that. But, to make the cover of New Mobility not because I’m an inspirational figure or because I’m interviewed or because I’m representing anything, but because I’m just me on a tangent in Vegas is pretty darn cool, the ultimate compliment from those who truly matter to me – my peers and readership. (And, it’s an impressive feat for a man of such indiscernible skill and as void of charm as me, where somehow my just hanging out in Vegas and writing about it qualifies as a partial way to make a living – I’m like the Kardashians, but with even less talent, if that’s possible.)

However, while the cover is already framed and hung with pride on a wall among other such achievements in my home, it ultimately represents a larger truth: Beyond the lasting positive impacts we’ve had on others, what we accomplished yesterday does not dictate our potential for today. There’s no riding what we did yesterday. A magazine cover is great, but it’s yesterday’s news – my sleeves remain rolled-up and working, making the most of today. After all, today is all we really have to work with. Life’s like peddling a bike – the minute you stop putting effort into it, you stop.

Think about how that concept applies to every part of our lives. So many people get caught up in yesterday that they completely waste today, using excuses from the past not to make the most of the present. I hit my sales target for the month, so I can coast for a bit. My relationship has been good, so I don’t need to do that little something extra for my partner. I accomplished that awesome feat, so surely I’ll forever command respect.

No, yesterday is gone, and our only true merit is based on what we are accomplishing today. Just because you hit your sales target doesn’t mean you stop there. Just because your relationship has been good doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make things even better today. Just because you had major accomplishments doesn’t mean that you should quit striving.

If we’re going to be successful, we can’t look at life as riding waves, where we just try to coast from one periodic success to another. Rather, if we’re going to be successful, we must look at life as a never-ending mountain to climb, a daily work ethic toward new growth in all areas.

Sure, it’s nice to hang a new memento of my success on the wall – rock-starring it on the cover of New Mobility, looking every bit the absurd part – but it’s all just memories and decoration in the end. My only value is in my current project, whatever it may be, where I’m hopefully making a difference in the lives of others.

As you read the piece, I hope you’ll recognize that any sort of celebrity is really an illusion, where such stints as the glitz and glam of me rock-starring is cool, but it’s not where the true value in life is. Rather, the real message in the piece – as in life – is that it isn’t who we are or what we have accomplished that adds value to our lives, but it’s our capacity to embrace others, from all backgrounds, that truly makes us each a superstar from the inside out, everyone equally deserving of gracing a magazine cover.

Read “Freewheeling in Vegas” online here.

It’s What We Ask For

By Mark E. Smith

I’m very mindful of progressing week by week, month by month, year by year in my workout routine, regularly increasing the amount of weight on various excersises, constantly pushing myself to lift heavier and heavier weights, per each exercise on my universal gym.

However, I recently made a seemingly grievous error. In bopping out to my iPod and switching excercises, I forgot to change the weight on my machine. Instead of dropping the weight down from lat pulls to chest flies, I accidentally left the amount of weight far above the maximum weight with which I can do 20 reps of chest flies.

Not knowing that the weight was set too high, and mindlessly bopping to my music, I cranked out my 20 reps of chest flies. Sure, in the moment, each rep seemed a little harder, but I didn’t think anything of it, completing my set.

When I realized my error, I also realized a fact far more profound: My limitations weren’t where I thought they were. While in my mind I thought that I could only lift so much – which is where I set my limit – the reality was that, by mistake, I proved that I could physically lift much more. My body wasn’t holding me back, my self-expectations were.

My workout that day reminded me of how, in many aspects of our lives, we’re not limited by reality, but by our own self-imposed limitations, where our potentials are vastly greater than we recognize. I’m not looking for a better job because this is as good as I can get. I’m staying in this unsatisfying relationship because I’ll never find anyone who is a better match. I’m always broke, so I can’t save money. My relationship with my family will never get better – it is what it is. I’m 40, I can’t get back in shape. …Our self-imposed limitations go on and on, even though they’re not based on reality but limits we project upon ourselves – that is, low self-expectations.

Yet, when we take accountability – pushing ourselves beyond our self-imposed limitations – our lives expand to deliver what we ask of them. That is, our expectations for ourselves define the quality of our lives, so set them higher than you or anyone would expect. Believe that you’re qualified for that better job. Assert that you deserve the most fulfilling relationship. Have faith in your ability to save money. Expect your family to respect you. And, know that you can get in the best shape of your life. Again, the list goes on and on, but the fact is this: Where you set your limitations is what you’ll achieve, so set them high!

I heard a great parable. A man was walking down the street, when a homeless man asked him for a quarter.

“All you want is a quarter?” the man asked.

“Yep, just a quarter,” the homeless man replied.

The man pulled out a money clip filled with $100 bills, then he pulled out a shiny quarter, placing it in the homeless man’s hand. “Next time ask for more,” he said, holding up his money clip. “Life pays however much you ask.”

Too many of us sell ourselves short, setting limitations not based on our true potential, but based on low expectations that we place upon ourselves (or, worse yet, having been degraded by others, and believing it). The question is, however, why do so many set their expectations so low in many aspects of life?

The answer is, much of it is trauma-based conditioning that we don’t even realize (the clinical term is compulsive re-enactment). The easiest example that most of us can relate to is how amazing people consistently get caught-up in bad relationships – that is, where they base relationship decisions on devastatingly low expectations stemming from past experiences (usually trauma-based). What we know is that “conditioning,” from childhood on, creates our expectations, and as we live to those expectations, they get cemented within us, where we have an uncanny subconscious drive to seek those patterns – including painful, harmful ones – throughout adulthood. Studies show that if you grew up in a dysfunctional home, you will go on to pursue dysfunctional relationships. In fact, psychology shows that we’re the only creature that keeps pursuing patterns of trauma – no animal will keep pursuing that which has harmed it, but humans do, simply repeating self-defeating patterns over and over again. What makes this especially tragic, is that when healthy relationships or opportunities arise, our conditioned low expectations cause us to either avoid them or self-sabotage them – and it’s created a culture where, statistically, half of us can’t sustain marriages, let alone get through one day without self-doubt toward many aspects of our lives.

Now, when it comes to compulsive re-enactment – that is, consistently pursuing living to a lower standard than we deserve or are capable of achieving – I am simplifying a profoundly complex emotional condition. However, it ties into an easily understood goal: Let us raise our self-expectations, no longer relying on dysfunctional comfort zones or self-defeating patterns, but have the courage – because we’re all capable! – to push beyond them, raising our expectations. When you find a healthy relationship, but don’t feel unworthy or are scared, raise your expectations, and take a chance on it, truly investing yourself in new ways that you’ve never known. When you don’t feel qualified to pursue a better job, raise your expectations, and know that you are equipped. And, when anyone questions your stature in any way, raise your expectations, sticking up for yourself, empowered. In short, if any aspect of your life isn’t going your way – truly toward your healthy interests – you owe it to yourself to ask, Do I just keep settling for as-is, or do I evoke the courage to raise my expectations, inviting positive change?

The correct answer is, of course, you raise your expectations, no matter how much courage it takes. By raising your self-expectations – and following through with the work needed to live up to them (which can be unfamiliar and scary), you’ll be surprised at how the quarters in your life turn into $100 bills. It can’t be said enough: Life pays what you ask of it. Ask for a lot – you deserve it.