humility – Page 19 – PowerchairDiaries

Working Class Hero

By Mark E. Smith

John Lennon coined it, and I’ve always believed in living it – as a father, as a bread winner and, yes, as one with a disability: A working class hero is something to be.

See, to me, a working class hero isn’t about a literal vocation or social class, but about drive and determination. Are you strong enough every morning, regardless of the challenges you face, to put your boots on and go into your day willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done, with little reward beyond knowing you’ve done right?

And, like I said, this purest form of heroism isn’t about vocation or social class. Yes, the roofer who’s on a roof in July, working 12 hours a day with 130-degrees radiating around him, all to support his family, is a literal working class hero. But, so is a full-time single parent. And, so is one sustaining sobriety. And, so is one thriving with a disability. Although each of these examples are very different – and you can insert any life path into the list that requires internal tenacity to succeed – they all demonstrate an extraordinary work ethic, they all demonstrate quiet, dignified heroics in everyday life.

And, there’s a certain rebellion to being a working class hero, where when life presents roadblocks that others don’t have the strength or courage to knock down, you utter a barely audible F-you, and fight your way through. Working class heroes punch adversity in the face and proceed on.

I want to introduce you to a working class hero of mine, Scott Belkner, who puts on his boots every day and just goes to work. There’s no one motivating Scott but Scott. He’s not someone you know, no fame or money. But, he demonstrates an internal work ethic that demands respect, that sets the bar for how so many of us should approach our lives.

Watch Scott’s story, and I bet he becomes a working class hero of yours, too.

All Hat, No Cattle

By Mark E. Smith

As a writer, I have a profound distrust for words. Yes, there’s an honest place for them in the literary sense in that they’re tools of the trade, including this essay.

However, on an interpersonal level, words carry little weight, where actions, in fact, don’t just speak louder than words, but are the only true measure of one’s character. If you want to genuinely know someone, ignore what they say, and look at what someone does.

Now, when I say judge one’s character by actions, not words, I don’t mean the small stuff. We all innocently say to others sentiments that may not hold true, but that doesn’t reflect one’s core character. Plans change, other obligations pop up and sometimes we simply forget a task we’ve agreed to perform. These don’t reflect our core character, but rather being human. As hard as I try to stay organized, the volume of tasks in front of me each day sometimes means that I forget something that someone needs – it happens to all of us.

Rather, I’m talking about core character traits, where one’s overall actions define who one truly is, not one’s words. A great example that I can relate to is being a father – that’s not about words, but actions at the most fundamental level. Fathers will boast how much they love their children, yet not be involved in their lives. How can one claim to love one’s child, but is absent? It’s a contradiction where we have to go by the actions, not the words. We know a father truly loves his child when he’s involved and present in his child’s life. If you want to know the quality of a father, observe what he does, not what he says. This likewise applies to everyone around us – that is, if you want to know the quality of one’s character, simply observe one’s actions.

I read a great book, The Gift of Fear, years ago and it spoke to avoiding becoming a victim of crime. The author spoke to never, ever trusting anything that a criminal says. As the author noted, if a man puts a gun to you in a mall parking lot and says, “Get in your car, and if you do what I say I won’t hurt you,” don’t get in the car, as statistically if you do, you’re going to end up dead. If someone puts a gun to you, he or she is demonstrating extremely dangerous behavior, and you can’t trust anything he or she says.

The same goes for our personal lives. How many of us have had others say that they care about us, but demonstrate the complete opposite? We simply can’t trust the empty characters of those whose actions don’t match their words, or worst of all, hurt us. And, it’s not hard to figure out. If one’s flowery words follow a pit in our stomach, then there’s something wrong. People who truly care about us don’t just say it, they demonstrate it consistently.

And, have you ever noticed that those who criticize us are always – and I mean always! – the least qualified to do so? Successful, healthy people don’t criticize others. Rather, it’s always someone like your uneducated, out-of-shape, broke, alcoholic in-law telling you all that’s wrong with you. Again, consider the source, and if one’s actions don’t match one’s words, there’s zero credibility, so never lend an ear to such criticism. To use a Texas idiom, never put faith in someone who’s all hat and no cattle.

Of course, we’re not exempt. We, too, should live by our actions, not our words. Let us lead with our actions, not merely spout what we think sounds good. As parents, saying we love our children is not enough; rather, let us show our love with presence, dedication and engagement. As partners and spouses, let us not merely utter the words I love you, but let us demonstrate it with attentiveness, respect and passion. And, as leaders in our career fields and communities, let us not simply boast of our abilities, but let’s truly accomplish tasks and serve others. Indeed, let us live our lives not based on rhetoric, but based on our demonstrated efforts.

In these ways, the cliché is true – and life-changing. Not only do actions speak louder than words, but actions pretty much say it all. If you want a true gauge of those in your life – as well as your own integrity – ignore words, assess actions, and let that be the true measure that drives your relationships to the healthiest levels.

More Than Enough

By Mark E. Smith

I’ve spent my whole life not being enough. Truly, from my birth, onward, I’ve never been enough. The doctors declared me a vegetable who should be institutionalized. My father was so ashamed of my disability that he refused to push me in my wheelchair in public. Mrs. Robinson, my third-grade public school teacher, fought to keep me of her classroom because I wasn’t physically on par with the other students. My prom date wouldn’t dance with me because I used a wheelchair. Waitresses have refused to serve me, and even in 2014, I still occasionally face discrimination because in the eyes of some strangers, I am not enough.

And, it remains the case, that in so many situations and perceptions, I am not enough. However, I want to share with you a very fitting story about what it’s like to face such a struggle, what it means to be labeled, to go through life as never being enough. See, when I was around 13, I desperately pursued my physical independence, knowing that in a world that didn’t view me as enough, I was in a race for survival, avoiding the potential of ending up in a long-term care facility because I couldn’t care for myself. And, so as part of enhancing my physical strength toward independent living skills, I began going out every day after school and pushed my manual wheelchair along the street in front of my house. I was severely spastic, with terrible coordination, and used a power chair, so pushing a manual wheelchair was a tremendous struggle. I fought to get both hands on the push rims, and gave a single thrust of the wheelchair, throwing my body into spasms – then, as the wheelchair coasted to a stop, I started the process all over again. It took me over an hour to go down the block and back.

However, it wasn’t physically pushing the manual wheelchair that was the biggest challenge. Rather, it was the literal voices along the block. A few neighborhood boys of my age taunted me every day, calling me retard, mocking me with spastic gestures, telling me I was not enough, that I couldn’t even push a wheelchair correctly.

Nevertheless, every day for that school year, I put myself in the line of ridicule and humiliation and pushed that wheelchair up and down the block, literally being told I wasn’t enough with each challenging push of the wheels. It was a set schedule: at 3:30 every day, I pushed my manual wheelchair, and the other kids followed along humiliating me. It was painful and scary and enraging and embarrassing, but I had to endure it for my greater good.

That one year taught me a lot about not being enough. In pushing that manual wheelchair, all the while being mocked, I didn’t merely improve my physical abilities, I developed perseverance, determination and autonomy. I wasn’t pushing to be enough to the other kids or the rest of those who discounted me. Rather, I was pushing my own race to become more than enough.

The fact is, I’ll never be enough. Heck, my own father went to his grave unquestionably ashamed of me, I had a ex-girlfriend give me a written list of why I wasn’t worthy of her love, and I still face public discrimination and humiliation from time to time. I will never meet certain standards or be enough as a person in the eyes of some.

So, then, how are many aspects of my life explained? If I was not enough to my parents, how did I go on to successful careers in the mobility industry, writing and speaking? If I was not enough to my third-grade teacher, how was I able to go on to college and grad school? If I have not been enough of a man in the view of some strangers, how have I succeeded in raising a beautiful daughter as a full-time single father? The list goes on and on, but the point is, despite my never being enough in the eyes of so many, how have I, to the contrary, had so many successes?

The answer is universal. We should never strive to be enough in the eyes of others – it’s a low bar to measure ourselves. Instead, we should ignore the false ceilings that others place upon us and instead push to our own best abilities. And, in that process an amazing transformation occurs: we eclipse never being enough by actually becoming more than enough.

Even When Losing, Let’s Win

By Mark E. Smith

I speak a lot about seeing opportunity in adversity because it’s where our biggest successes are formed, and it’s really been the guiding principle of my life. If you can take the bleakest circumstance and turn it completely around – to work not against you, but for you – that’s where the most rewarding circumstances of our lives occur.

I was recently mortified when I was informed by one of my team members that I’d missed an article deadline. These days, I write several formal magazine articles per month, with deadlines six to eight weeks in advance of publication. And, I’m fanatical about deadlines, where I never run up to the wire, always ahead of the game. But, this article escaped me. I don’t know if I’d never received the request or if I simply totally forgot about it; but, for whatever reason, I had no recollection of it. I’d missed the deadline, let the editor and my staff down, and, of most regret, I’d blown an opportunity to publish a piece that I believed could impact the lives of others with a very poignant topic. I’d failed completely.

Yet, I don’t give up that easily. I immediately took ownership and disclosed to my whole staff that I’d blown it, that for reasons I couldn’t explain nor excuse, I’d dropped the ball. And, I asked all to give me the opportunity to try to make things right. I went to the editor and sincerely apologized, noting that my failure was inexcusable, but if she could give me two days, I could make things right. She, understandably, was reserved, but gave me two days to write a 1,600-word article – a seemingly impossible task considering all of my existing commitments over those 48 hours. And, reading between the lines, the editor didn’t seem too optimistic, as pulling off a 1,600-word article of quality in two days is rarely accomplished.

Yet, I had the only tool I needed: opportunity. The editor was gracious enough to give me a second chance, two days to rise to a challenge – and I thrive on the opportunity in adversity. And, so I squeezed a half hour here and five minutes there, and rather than neglecting any other obligations, I wrote around them – literally – and got the job done. But, was the quality of the piece up to par, or had I struck out twice?

Upon submitting the piece, just a day before the editor needed to go to lay-out with the magazine, I didn’t hear back from her – that is, until she let me know that she’d decided to give my piece both the feature position and the cover, as big of compliment that writers get. In 48 hours, I went from a no-show to the feature. Talk about going from a zero to a hero.

Now, it is true that without the editor extending me the gracious opportunity, I’d been shut out, and rightfully so. After all, I missed the original deadline. However, by not accepting a loss, assuming accountability and seizing opportunity in adversity, I scored big time. I went from losing to winning, from out of the magazine to getting the feature and the cover.

Think about how many times in all of our lives we find ourselves at a dead end, a game-over moment. Think about how many people accept that and just quit. No, these are the times of utmost possibilities in our lives, where a dead end is virtually always a fantastic starting point. What’s to the right or the left or beyond that dead end? That’s where to look, that’s where there’s always opportunity in adversity.

Reasons Not Excuses

By Mark E. Smith

My brother, six days less than a year older than me, is a private man, and so rarely do I speak or write of him. And, his story is one that he may not want told. But, it should be told, a cautionary tale for many.

At 17, my brother dropped out of high school and lived in his car. And, it all made sense. He was on the plight that made perfect sense coming from estranged, alcoholic parents and a childhood that went from harrowing to hellish at times. Incarceration, substance abuse and poverty were par for the course. And, so if I told you that from that point on, my brother drifted, dabbled in drugs and jail time, there’d be no surprise – he had every reason to do so.

But, he didn’t do that. With no family support, he worked at a gas station, lived in his car, and saved enough money to rent an apartment. He enrolled in adult school, was promoted to Assistant Manager at the gas station, then Manager, then became a Regional Manager for Shell service stations. He got married, rented a nicer apartment, and made a bold move, becoming a tile setter, getting his contractor’s license, establishing himself as a master tile setter, doing the likes of Danny Glover’s house and multi-million dollar homes. He had two daughters, and after 20 years in the same little apartment, he saved up the cash to buy his dream home, nestled on wooded property in Northern California.

At any time, my brother’s life could have jumped the tracks. The grips of our family lineage could have led his life down a dark past, just as it did every generation before us. Instead, he’s lived with intentionality. He’s refused to be a substance abuser, where he knows when not to drink and certainly knows when to stop. He, who didn’t have a dad, has proved himself as a lifelong amazing dad. And, never knowing a sustained marriage in our family’s history, he’s passed the two-decade mark with his wife.

See, here’s what you need to know about my brother: He’s an astounding father, husband and man. And, he’s done it based on a core principle of personal accountability. Our upbringing demonstrates that there are reasons why so many fall into generational traps of abhorrent behavior. Yet, my brother’s intentional life proves a far more valuable lesson. While we can point to reasons for issues like substance abuse and poor parenting, there simply are no excuses. We all make decisions, we all have control over our life paths, and there’s no gray between right and wrong when it comes to individuals of true integrity like my brother.

At the End of the Tunnel

By Mark E. Smith

In my roles within the mobility industry, I often encounter very difficult situations. No, I don’t mean broken wheelchairs or grumpy customers – those are typically easy to resolve. Rather, the difficult situations I face are families in emotional crises, where a husband is newly paralyzed or parents have lost a child to a progressive condition like muscular dystrophy. And, along that harrowing road over the past 15 years, I’ve seen such families turn tragedy into triumph, while others crumbled into ruins. What is it, then, that separates these two outcomes? What is it that allows couples to survive devastating circumstance while others dissolve?

I’m not a psychologist or a sociologist, nor have I done any scientific studies. But, I am a real, thinking, feeling person with empathy toward those facing adversity – I’ve been there and I know what it’s like. And, as I’ve been in the trenches with families in crises, I’ve observed two very distinct factors that allow couples to face and overcome life’s most profound tragedies, actually strengthening relationships, not destroying them.

The first is factor that successful couples have in the face of adversity is unyielding love and respect for each other. Now, all couples will say that they have unyielding love and respect for each other, and it seems obvious that couples would have this. But, we live in a culture where relationships are about as sacred as trip through a drive-thru, and there’s too often very little respect among partners. Think about couples around you, or maybe your own relationship, where each individual makes him or herself the priority, not the relationship or partner. Or, think about how moodiness, arguing and name calling are deemed acceptable by many. Those are traits of dishonor and disrespect, and when crisis hits, such couples are doomed. In crises, the blame-game ensues and rather than protecting each other’s hearts, they go for the jugular.

However, surviving couples are different. Mutual respect reigns over moodiness, arguing and name calling. Surviving couples run toward the safety and shelter of their relationship during crises, not away from it. There’s a sanctity to the relationship that’s upheld, serving as an unconditional safety net during crises.

Statistically, the average length of marriage prior to divorce is eight years. Why eight years? Money magazine recently reported that over any 10-year period, we have a 98% chance of facing a major life crisis, albeit financial, health-related, and so on. Therefore, if we’re in rocky relationships, and are all but certain to face a crisis, of course it’s just a matter of time before it’s game over, logically right around that 8-year mark.

Yet, truly loving, respectful couples ultimately find crises as opportunities to grow close together. So, at eight years, having faced crises and embraced each other, their commitment is stronger. A couple simply has to have unyielding love and respect to weather crises. I have yet to meet a couple who’s stayed together through a life-changing crisis who didn’t have a foundation of unyielding love and respect for each other.

The second trait that I’ve found couples must have in order to survive a life-changing crisis is a sense of a higher power. Now, I don’t mean formal religion – although it’s often the case – but a true belief in a guiding force that everything happens for a reason, with larger meaning and purpose. This is such a powerful tool toward coping and healing because it often explains the inexplicable.

I was born with severe cerebral palsy. If I looked at that as a random act, solely making me suffer, can you imagine how bleak my world view would be – there’d be no purpose for my life. However, if I truly believe that there’s a purpose to why I received cerebral palsy, I then naturally look for the positives, giving my life purpose and meaning. Couples who succeed through tragedy do exactly this – that is, they share a belief in a larger purpose and meaning to all. If one or both partners are bitter or resentful over a crisis, again, they’ll go for the jugular, not the heart – and the relationship won’t survive. Both partners must believe in a higher power of meaning and purpose.

What I know is that given enough time – statistically within a 10-year period – couples will face crises. And, having witnessed many families experience the most harrowing of circumstances, I can attest to this fact: As long as you and your partner have unyielding love and respect, and believe in a larger meaning and purpose to all, you’ll make it hand-in-hand to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Times of Need

By Mark E. Smith

For most of us, we’re far more comfortable giving than receiving. Yet, giving and receiving must be equally embraced if we are to truly have healthy, reciprocating relationships. Just as we strive to love and support others in their times of need, we must welcome their love and support in our times of need.

Now, I know it can be hard, where pride and ego can make it very emotionally difficult to receive in times of need. If you’ve been the bread-winner in your family, and your in-laws want to pay your mortgage because you’ve been out of work, that may be a difficult gift to receive. If you have a disability and your spouse wants to help with your daily care, that can be a difficult gift to receive. Or, if you’re a single parent and friends wish to watch your children to give you a break, that can be a difficult gift to receive. The examples go on and on, and I’m sure that you can think of examples from your own life where you’ve emotionally struggled with receiving from others on some level. However, here’s the heartfelt truth: when others offer to support us in our times of need, they do so out of love, and if we – again, out of falsities of pride, ego or embarrassment – reject their support, it will almost always be interpreted as some sort of rejection of their love. What’s more, in an intimate relationship, if we are always striving to be there for our partners, but won’t allow them to be there for us, it can be like slamming an emotional door in their face – and the inequity created will destroy the relationship. The fact is, love isn’t just about giving, but receiving.

One aspect of my life is that I can aspirate in my sleep, a very dangerous condition. Fortunately, due to preventative measures, I keep it under control, and when I do awake aspirating, I’m able to roll over and sit up, literally saving my life at times. Unfortunately, because my lungs fill with fluid, I become extraordinarily ill for 10 to 12 hours, with a 102-degree fever, till my lungs clear. As you might imagine, this can be really scary for my partner. Therefore, in wanting to protect her, I wouldn’t wake her up when it happened. In the morning, however, she’d become upset with me, knowing that I aspirated but didn’t wake her up. However, she wasn’t upset out of anger but love. When our partner is sick, we want to be there for him or her, and through my stubbornness, I wasn’t allowing her to be there for me. Not only was I wrong by robbing her of peace of mind – as she wanted to be immediately aware of the situation so she could help – but I also wasn’t fostering a reciprocating relationship. I wanted to give, give, give to her, but indirectly, I wasn’t fully allowing her to give back in among my times of need. That was painful for her to experience, and lousy on my part by thwarting reciprocation in our relationship. As a result, I became much more respectful of her concern for me, letting her know when I aspirated, allowing her to care for me. If we are to truly love someone, we must let him or her truly love us in our times of need, as well.

See, in loving, the one aspect we wish most is peace of mind. We want to know that those we love are healthy, safe and secure. The same goes for those who love us – that is, they want to know we’re healthy, safe and secure. And when we don’t allow others in, it causes them stress, anxiety and heartache. Letting others be there for us, as we wish to be there for them, offers peace of mind to those we love – and that’s one of the most humble yet powerful gifts we can give.

I discussed this overall subject with my sister, and she replied that it takes tremendous humility to allow others to be there for us in our most vulnerable times of need. And, she was right. We must let down our guard and inherently trust that those wishing to be there for us do so out of unconditional love and respect, and we should never interject insecurities into the dynamic. If someone wishes to assist you out of love and respect, allow him or her, as it’s a testament to your character, too.

Ultimately, no one gets through life alone. When we’re fortunate, we have the opportunity to love and support others in their times of need. However, let us not forget that love is reciprocation, and we must allow others to likewise love and support us if we are to have truly healthy relationships. Therefore, sometimes the greatest gift that we can give someone we love is the sincere opportunity for him or her to love and support us in return – especially in our times of need.

I Have no Time for Busy

By Mark E. Smith

Let’s be honest, there’s no such thing as busy. I mean, it’s a cop-out word that really means insensitive, unorganized, self-absorbed and, sometimes, lazy. It’s the epitome of an overwhelmed, often self-centered person that says nothing about productivity.

See, I’m a very productive person, but I never consider myself busy, especially when it comes to people. Melissa sits outside my office in her cubicle, and I suppose that if you asked her if I’m busy, she’d tell you yes because I’m usually a flurry of activity, with my keyboard keys clanking, phone chattering, door opening and closing. Yet, I’m never busy. Rather, I’m productive To me, busy is an end-all, a shut-down. It’s when you walk into someone’s office and he or she says, I can’t talk now, I’m busy. Or, it’s when your romantic partner says, I don’t have time for this discussion, I’m busy. It’s a complete dismissal of who you are and your importance – and it hurts and erodes trust. And, I avoid such insensitive behavior like the plague because I want to be productive, emotionally available and successful – and busy doesn’t allow any of that.

Now, this isn’t to say we shouldn’t set healthy boundaries. None of us can do all tasks and meet all needs at once. However, prioritizing instead of shutting down is the key. If I’m given a task at work and I already have a full plate, I simply state, Thank you, I’ll get to it once I’m finished with X, Y, and Z. I never turn down work based on being busy – again, self-absorbed, lazy people do that. Similarly, I prioritize people, where I try to offer immediate availability, but if I can’t, I’ll acknowledge their sincere importance by saying such a validating reply as, Can I call you back in an hour, as I’m in the middle of this urgent task, and I really want to focus on you when we talk. And, I strive to keep others abreast to my day’s schedule, so they know why I may be unavailable at certain times.

Of course also in the area of boundaries, we don’t want to become dumping stations for others’ work or have emotionally unhealthy, needy people consume our time. However, even then, busy is a cop-out. Rather, address the root causes and define boundaries instead of simply proclaiming, I’m busy.

In this way, if you want to be productive, successful and emotionally available, being busy doesn’t work. Ultimately, I have all the time in the world for work and those I care about. But, I have no time for people who tell me they’re busy.

Real Men Use Electric Razors

By Mark E. Smith

I know a lot about strength. No, it’s not because I’ve long worked out with weights, toned and trim for a man my age. Rather, I know a lot about strength because I know that’s what it takes to expose my every vulnerability to those around me.

It’s natural that all of us feel a need to “present” ourselves in the best light, not wanting others to see our vulnerabilities, possibly perceived as weaknesses, at least in our own minds. After all, our biggest fear as social creatures is rejection. And, while there are certain environments where putting only our best face forward is appropriate, such as a job interview, there are other circumstances where if we’re going to demonstrate our ultimate strength, it means exposing our ultimate vulnerabilities.

I was recently at an event where I was fortunate to be a known figure, fitting the cultural norm of “strength.” I was a bit of a celebrity or politician, you might say. I was well-dressed, poised, blessed with the graciousness of many recognizing me. And, I had the privilege of having my partner with me, where she witnessed me move through the event as a “man of strength.” And, isn’t that how we want our romantic partners to see us: successful, poised and recognized as someone of merit?

Yet, for me, there was ultimately nothing proud or strong about any of that. Sure, I was authentic in truly caring about the people around us, and humbled by the recognition. But, breezing through a crowd with my hair combed just right and people recognizing me didn’t make me strong. What made me strong was what happened hours earlier, that only one other person knew about – my partner.

See, having cerebral palsy often makes me the opposite of poised, far outside the cultural framework of masculinity, the archetypical male model we see shaving shirtless in the mirror of Gillette commercials. Rather, I have vulnerabilities. But, that in itself gets to my definition of the epitome of masculine strength – that is, having the courage to share with others your deepest vulnerabilities, where you don’t hide any part of you, allowing others to see all of you. That takes the truest form of strength.

And, although I’d strolled through the event poised, of strength, hours earlier my partner and I shared a much different reality: my vulnerabilities. I wasn’t a recognized figure in a tie and jacket, but a man with severe cerebral palsy struggling to go through my morning routine in a hotel room not set-up for my needs. And, my partner both witnessed and assisted with my struggles. And, with the truest of strength, I shared with her my utmost vulnerabilities. Yes, it was emotionally scary. And, yes, it was embarrassing at moments. However, most of all, it was ultimately liberating. Just being you, in your most vulnerable ways, and letting another see and accept you as-is, supporting you as-is, is a life-changing experience.

What I’ve learned is that the minute that we have the strength to drop all pretenses, and share our utmost vulnerabilities with someone we trust, it removes all between us, and our relationships become deeper and totally authentic. Masks create barriers to intimacy, whereas having the courage, the strength to remove them allows us to be us, and others to love us for us.

In this way, if you want to live with ultimate strength, there’s only one way to do it: have the courage to share your ultimate vulnerabilities. And, I don’t worry about being the guy in the Gillette commercial – I have an electric razor.

Learning to Hold Hands

By Mark E. Smith

We’ve all known the phrase, It’s better to give than to receive. And, I can tell you that there’s a lot of merit to it. I know that for me, realizing that I’ve made a difference in someone’s life is exceptionally rewarding. I do right because it’s right, and I certainly don’t expect anything in return. But, it feels really good to know that I’ve supported someone’s efforts in a situation that I can relate to, assisting out of respect and appreciation for him or her.

Yet, there’s tremendous merit to receiving, too – and, as a culture and individuals, we do a horrible job at it. Nod your head if you’ve ever felt awkward, undeserving or guilty upon receiving. I’m nodding my head with you! Maybe it’s been something as simple as allowing a friend to treat us to lunch, or as profound as receiving love from our partner. No matter, we can struggle far more with receiving than giving – and we need to resolve that in each of our lives before it takes its toll. The fact is, a sure way to self-sabotage ourselves in ways ranging from subtle guilt to destroying important relationships is to not feel comfortable or worthy of receiving from those who care about us.

As a child of alcoholics, I wasn’t raised to receive. If you’ve ever been around any sort of addict, you know that the nature of addiction is that it’s fed, including by family members, where you’re on the hook, so to speak, to give, give and give, to a disturbingly unhealthy degree. And, in that process, you either never learn to receive or you lose your ability to feel comfortable receiving – and that happened to me. I never truly learned to receive graciousness, care and concern from others. And, it led me to feel unsettled later in life when others, with absolutely pure intentions, strove to give to me, where my emotions ranged from uncomfortable to guilt and shame. One area of contention in my life that I take ownership of is that in the past, I struggled to allow others in my life to physically assist me in my daily needs due to my disability. And, it frustrated and hurt some around me. At times, those close to me wanted to assist me with certain aspects of my everyday routines out of love and appreciation, and I didn’t know how to receive that. I knew how to give, give and give, but I didn’t know how to let others support me, I didn’t know how to receive. And, so rather than receive, I chose to struggle physically and emotionally, sometimes self-defeatingly pushing people away.

However, it was my daughter and my ultimately being a father that taught me to receive. I mean, when your 4-year-old makes you an “I Love You, Daddy” card, how can you not soak that in to the depths of your heart and receive such an unconditional act of love? As a result, I’ve had the blessing over the last 17 years – and, it’s been a learning process! – of knowing the joy of receiving in so many amazing ways, including unconditional love.

Of course, in the process of raising my daughter, I’ve done a tremendous amount of giving. After all, that’s what we do as parents – that is, we give to our children in the purest ways possible, putting them before ourselves, period. Yet, that form of giving has also been a life-changing experience for me because it’s stemmed from the healthiest of places – the heart – a complete contrast to where I gave to addicts as an adolescent out of a skewed sense of obligation, guilt and inappropriate placements of responsibility upon me.

All of this has led me to among the most profound life lessons that any of us can carry. Relating with those close to us isn’t about giving or receiving, after all. Rather, relating with others around us is truly about reciprocation. See, if we’re going to have the healthiest relationships, we must give and receive. What’s wonderful is that this doesn’t mean we give and receive in the same ways, but that when we do for others, we’re comfortable with them doing for us in different but no less meaningful ways. See, reciprocation is about the sincerity of the emotion itself, not its product. I’m 43 and my daughter is 17, so obviously we have very different needs and different abilities to offer. Yet, while I make every attempt to meet her needs, she equally strives to support mine. I may surprise her with a gift that she’s really wanted, as I have the ability to buy it; whereas, she may surprise me with a home-cooked meal. We have a constant volley, where we both intuitively support each other, reciprocating in different but sincere ways. This principle applies not just to parent-child relationships, but all relationships. If, with our romantic partners, we let down our guard and truly know that we’re worthy of not just giving, but receiving, as well, our relationships – and our hearts! – will flourish because nothing is holding us back from loving and being loving.

Giving to others in the most unconditional spirit truly is rewarding. However, it’s heartwarming and soothing to the soul to likewise receive from others. Let us give, and let us receive. Most of all, let us reciprocate, where, together with those we care about, hands hold hands.