disability – Page 9 – PowerchairDiaries

Empty Chairs

There’s a grief that can’t be spoken. –Empty Chairs at Empty Tables, Les Miserables

By Mark E. Smith

I’m really striving to keep a super clean house these days. It’s always been tidy, but after 11 years of living there, dust bunnies and cobwebs collect in corners. However, my close friend sneaked into my house while I was away working an Abilities Expo, and did a dramatic deep cleaning, where my kitchen looks new again. So, I’ve been doing my best to keep the house spotless.

Yet, my 16-year-old isn’t so mindful. She has a bad habit of piling jacket after jacket on a kitchen chair. And, with her virtually never home anymore – at school during the day, and drama rehearsal, band practice, and hanging out with friends at night – I’m the cerebral palsy version of Ozzy Osborne, with this over-the-top career by day, but puttering alone in the house in the eves, somewhat lost beyond my work.

So, amidst my immaculate kitchen, I saw my daughter’s myriad of coats, sweaters, and hoodies once again piled on a kitchen chair one evening, and I got really mad. How come she can’t just put these jackets in her bedroom? I’m stuffing all of this in a garbage bag, putting it on the curb, and teaching her a lesson!

Of course, I didn’t really do that. Instead, I went and lay on my bed, surrounded by the silence of the house. And, when my daughter got home around 10pm, I asked her how rehearsal was, not mentioning the jackets piled on the chair.

A few days later, I was working on a project, and a distant colleague raised a very trivial issue, one of no real consequence other than to get a rise out of others. “Why’s he making an issue of nothing?” I asked another colleague.

And, she said among the most profound insights, “Sometimes when people feel a lack of control over aspects of their lives or careers, they focus on that which they can control, the small things.”

Indeed, we do often focus on the small things that we can control when the bigger aspects seem overwhelming or uncontrollable. In the wheelchair world in which I work, consumers sometimes hyper focus on small details regarding a wheelchair, only later to share how overwhelmed he or she is by the entirety of disability experience, that the small issue with the wheelchair was merely a way to avoid facing the larger issues in life. Similarly, think about how often emotions build up in relationships, where a small issue ends up representing much deeper issues. Even in the movies, think about how often one character wants to tell another his or her feelings, but can’t get the words out, instead rambling about something trivial – it’s a classic cinematic tension builder based on human nature. …It’s true that it’s often emotionally easier to hyper focus on small issues rather than tackle the big ones – especially when we’re not ready or don’t feel emotionally safe doing so.

For me, I immediately thought back to the jackets on my kitchen chair. In the grand scheme, it really doesn’t matter if they’re there. But, as a single dad puttering around my empty house, it’s about all that I felt that I could truly control these days in the larger picture of my parental life. After all, my daughter’s growing up, times are changing, and while it’s all good, healthy, and normal, it’s also a bit scary – namely on my own, as a single dad, where my daughter has been my foremost focus. It’s the realization of, Wow, I’m not caretaker of a child anymore, but father of a wonderfully-flourishing young lady…. and where do I fit into all of this, and go from here?

Of course, I know the logical answers. My role remains vital, where my daughter comes home at night, plops on the big, stuffed chair in my master suite, as I’m already tucked in bed, and I listen to what’s going on in her life, asking questions, sometimes giving advice. Sure, she still needs me very much – just in different ways – and I’m forever there for her.

But, the heart isn’t so logical. It realizes that my little girl is growing up, and soon the jackets piled on the kitchen chair will be a fond memory as she heads off to college. And, there’s both a joy and sadness in that process. So, what I’ve realized is that those aren’t just jackets piled on the kitchen chair, but my own emotions as a father watching his truest pride, joy, and love grow up – and rightfully struggling with it all.

And, so for now, I’ll just leave the jackets on the kitchen chair, not worrying about it, but appreciating this stage of her life – our life – before it changes even more. Why strive to control such trivial aspects when I can just enjoy the more important aspects of life as a father.

Days of Powdered Milk

By Mark E. Smith

People keep asking me about the recent issues – actually, I don’t even know what to call them – at The Scooter Store, leaving a reported 1,800 people out of work on “furlough,” many in a region of the country where jobs are hard to come by.

As I’ve explained to a few, I don’t know any more about the situation than what’s been posted on news outlets. However, what I do know is that I feel deeply for the employees and their families. See, these are 1,800 hard-working Americans, doing jobs as phone operators, data processors, delivery drivers, and virtually every other honest position one can hold. They are moms and dads, some single parents, some working their way through school, most paying bills on Friday and going to church on Sunday. Indeed, for me, there’s not a story about The Scooter Store, but 1,800 stories, ones of how the rent will get paid, ones of keeping gas in the car, ones of, How do we survive as a family from here?

I truly don’t know precisely what the 1,800 families of The Scooter Store are going through, as I have a good-paying career and don’t need to worry about rent or gas these days. However, I come from a very humble background of being poor at times as a child – I remember being in food lines with my mom to get big boxes of government powdered milk and blocks of cheese – and it’s stuck with me my whole life, never wanting to go back to that. And, so, I can only imagine how scary this time is for the 1,800 families of The Scooter Store, including their children.

Beyond the fear of being broke and hungry, I also relate to the all-American work ethic that most of The Scooter Store employees personify. Folks are sometimes kind to note my talent based on the volume of my career, but it’s truly an allusion. Really, at the heart of what I do is simply an intense work ethic, where I keep my mouth shut, my head down, and do the best possible job I can in any given situation. And, I learned long ago to never say no to any type of work, no matter the task or amount – because that’s what it takes to survive. Nashville for a conference? Sure. L.A. for the Abilities Expo the next week? Of course. All of my other duties, and working on a book at the same time? Not a problem – I’ll do it all. I don’t care how heavy the work load, how tough the independent travel, how exhausting the schedule, I’m just grateful to have the work. And, I forever watch, listen, and learn as I go.

See, when you know where you come from – just poor – and you know that you can go back to that at any time, and the only line between then and now is hard work, you work really hard, like your life depends on it – because it does. Mine does.

Disability experience teaches us all a lot in that way, where often all we have to get us through is pure tenacity, and when we rely on that, it’s really all that we need. Talent and luck can get you so far, but just good ol’ back-breaking hard work is among the truest keys to not just surviving but thriving. And, when something doesn’t work out, you’re ready to employ Plan B, C, and D, doing whatever it takes.

My brother is presently a great example of a life fueled by tenacity and back-breaking work. He’s a master tile setter, living in a very expensive part of the country. In order to afford a home for his family, he lives three hours from the city where he works. He gets up at 2am, six days per week, drives three hours to work, sets tile all day, then drives three hours home – generally just to go to bed and get up and do it again. So, why does he do it? Well, he knows the value of hard work and keeping the lights on. We were in government food lines together, and he never wants to go back there, either. He couldn’t afford to give his wife and daughters the lifestyle he wished in the city, so he moved where they could afford, making remarkable personal sacrifices in the process. He’s no genius or extraordinary talent; rather, he’s just working really, really hard.

And, for the 1,800 employees of The Scooter Store, who worked really, really hard, and now find themselves wondering how to pay the rent and keep gas in the car, my sentiment is this: Let’s not allow these families to get lost in a news story about whatever becomes of The Scooter Store; rather, let us each remind ourselves where we come from, and how scary it would be to be out of work, maybe even waiting in a food line for government boxes of powdered milk and blocks of cheese. Most of all, let’s keep those 1,800 Scooter Store employees in our prayers.

The Humanity of Foot Washing

By Mark E. Smith

There’s been an amazing trend across the country of very financially and socially successful people – from business titans to professional athletes – washing the feet of the homeless.

Now, we know how superficial we in the U.S. can be, where many look down on the homeless, walking around them on city sidewalks like they’re invisible.

And, yet, they’re not invisible. They’re as human as you and me, with a value and depth to their humanity that’s no less than anyone else’s. And, this is where foot washing comes in. See, while “foot washing” is biblical, it’s also very much about humility. It’s about simply connecting with others as-is, caring just to care, loving just to love, where superficial pettiness doesn’t separate us. Rather, our humanity unites us. After all, what’s more socially leveling and caring than washing others’ feet?

I’ve just entered my 42nd year, and if there’s one lesson I’ve learned in my life it’s not to judge others – and not to allow them to judge me. My ultimate role is to love and be loved, as ideally all of our roles should be. I don’t care if you’re worth $2-billion like a gentleman I’m currently interviewing for a writing project, or if you’re flat broke like a homeless gentleman I met in Vegas last summer and shared a poignant moment with. You can smell like cologne or urine. You can live in a mansion or a shack. You can be of any color, of any religion, of any sexual orientation, from any educational background. I don’t care. My only concern is, are you a kind person, and if so, I will be glad to wash your feet, human to human, where I trust you’d do the same for me.

The fact is, in my 42 years, I’ve known the pain and injustice of, as Martin Luther King Jr. put it, being judged not based on the quality of my character, but the color of my skin, so to speak. Strangers and those close to me alike have judged me many of times, obviously based on my physical disability but for other petty reasons, as well. And, it all hurt. However, it’s all taught me to love and accept others at deeper, truer levels. I will love you for you, as-is, period. And, it’s an amazing process where it’s brought amazing people into my life who I wouldn’t have known if I were judging and stereotyping.

For some of us, we see having the opportunity to “wash others’ feet” as a blessing. Yet, imagine how wonderful it is to have one’s own feet washed, to just know that someone cares.

Jumping Off Cliffs

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. -Steve Jobs

Mark E. Smith

At what points do you throw logic and reason and expert opinions and friendly advice into the wind and just believe in yourself? Everyone in the world can tell you that if you jump off of that proverbial cliff you’re going to die. Yet, you know something they don’t: You’ve jumped off of that cliff many times, and haven’t just survived, you’ve soared.

There’s a lot of value to following others’ advice, to not making the mistakes they’ve made. Yet, what about what you know, what about what you’ve learned, what about the power that your spirit has taught you, truths that others — more realistic, more grounded, with less vision — simply don’t know or understand? Maybe you have done the seemingly impossible, maybe you have seen fairy tales come true, maybe you have experienced what others will never understand is possible. Why let the ordinary dictate your life when you can live the extraordinary.

I look back on my own life, and if I had listened to anyone but my own potential, will, and heart, I wouldn’t be here, period. I was supposed to be a vegetable, with no cognitive skills. I was supposed to fail as among the first mainstream students. I was supposed to never have kids or career or live independently. I was never supposed to accomplish virtually everything I’ve accomplished. I’ve always been told that I’ll never succeed at this or that. But, every time I’ve found myself perched on a cliff, where everyone — following the rules of gravity, medicine, psychology, social norms — told me that I was destine for failure, I’ve just looked back, smiled a confident grin, and jumped, never hitting the ground but soaring.

Of course we, ourselves, can be our biggest roadblocks, where past disappointments and fears can keep us from making life-changing leaps of faith. I’m not going to apply for that job because I’ll never get it…. I’m not going to pursue that relationship because it’s just going to end in heartache…. I’m not going to follow my dream because it’s too unrealistic…. No, if we’re ever to achieve what we truly want and deserve, it requires us to make huge leaps of faith at times. We don’t know we can soar till we make the leap.

You’re going to find yourself at crossroads in life, perched on cliffs of decision, where everyone is going to give you advice, telling you it will never work, you’ll never succeed, you’re in denial, you’re destine for failure. Maybe you’ll even doubt yourself. But, if you simply trust that we all can accomplish the seemingly impossible, that fairy tales can come true, then you’re going to look back at the crowd, maybe even look at your own fears, smile a confident grin — because your heart and spirit know best — and you’re not just going to jump, you’re going to soar. All it takes is that one leap of faith to better your life forever.

Attitude of Gratitude

By Mark E. Smith

I want to talk to you about being our own brain surgeons, rewiring our thought processes from the negative to the positive. You don’t need a medical degree to do this; just a willingness to choose to see one over the other.

See, it’s proven that our brains are naturally more attracted to negative thoughts than positive thoughts. You might say that negativity has a larger imprint than positivity in the physicality of our brains. Clinically, it’s called the “Negativity Bias.”

The way the negativity bias works is that when, for example, twenty people tell you how great your hair looks, and one person says that he or she doesn’t like it, that one put-down will stick with you every time you look in the mirror. And, we know from psychology that those constantly exposed to abusive relationships – constant put-downs – they lose the ability altogether to recognize what’s positive and healthy, drawn toward negativity like magnets.

I don’t know where my wires got crossed, but I’m just the opposite – positivity has a much bigger imprint on my brain than negativity. I call it my attitude of gratitude, where I just feel blessed no matter what. And, I probably shouldn’t have such a positive outlook, based on the cumulative adversity and negativity that I’ve faced in my life. I mean, the list is endless. However, what’s remarkable is that I’m not the only one. I’m forever impressed by my peer, Nick Vujicic. Nick was born without arms or legs, among the severest of disabilities you’ll ever see. And, in school, the bullying and social stigmas never ended, where Nick, in his own words, was the local freak show. Yet, while such a horrendous childhood would blacken most people’s hearts, it actually opened Nick’s. Today, at age 30, he’s the most sought-after inspirational speaker in the world, has a New York Times best-selling book, and a wife with their first child on the way. And, although Nick can’t drive, he owns his beloved classic hot rod car. No arms, no legs, but with his attitude of gratitude, Nick is literally Unstoppable (the title of his best-seller, by the way), among the most positive, loving people you’ll ever meet.

Nick proves a profound lesson to all of us: How to truly live. Why let the negativity of your life – or even physiology of the brain – dictate our potentials when we can be our own brain surgeons, so to speak, and dictate positive life paths over negative ones?

Speaking for myself, there’s little room in my head or heart for anything but joy and gratitude. I know that for every negative emotion, there’s a more powerful, productive one. Why argue when you can hug; why question when you can understand; why be bitter when you can be thankful; why condemn when you can uplift; why be offensive when you can be gracious? Why not just love and be loved? It’s the greatest, easiest, most-fulfilling way to live. No one or nothing can do you wrong because you only know what’s right. How powerful is that!

I encourage you to take a look at your life, define the negativity from the positivity, and steer your life toward the positives. See the sunshine through the clouds, and focus on that. It may be scary at first. It may require you to make major changes in your life. It may even require you to be a bit humble and apologize toward those you’ve wronged through being trapped in negativity. However, that’s the beauty of the “Negativity Bias” – it’s just a bias, and biases can be changed. You are a brain surgeon, skilled enough to switch your thinking – make that, your life! – from the negative to the positive. Shift from a negative to a positive bias, and open your heart – I guarantee that your life will head in directions that you never dreamed.

When a Smell Isn’t a Smelll

By Mark E. Smith

My daughter and I were talking about the horrors of care facilities, and one in particular came up that I’ve visited, where the odor was overwhelming.

“They should hire you to fix that kind of place,” she said, with a belief in me that only an adoring daughter can have in her father.

“It’s not that easy,” I said. “See, in order to make it a better place, I’d have to get rid of the bad smell, and that’s a huge task.”

“How hard could that be?” she asked. “It’s just a smell.”

“Really hard,” I said. “The smell isn’t just a smell. It represents what’s called systemic issues. The smell is caused by much larger issues.”

“Like what?” my daughter asked. “Can’t you just get rid of a smell?”

“Not in this case,” I replied. “See, the smell is caused by overall improper care, from soiled bedding to poor hygiene care of clients. In order to get rid of the smell, you’d have to change the entire infrastructure of care.”

“How would you do that?” she asked.

“Well, you’d start with the management and work your way down – leadership is where accountability for the smell starts, but not where it ends. Every employee there is ultimately accountable.” I explained. “You’d have to change the way everything is done, retrain staff, probably fire some and hire some. But, once the smell was gone by dramatically changing the way everything is done, you’d have among the best run facilities in the country.”

“So, to get rid of the smell, you have to get rid of the real problems, and that starts with the people who run the place because they’re allowing all of the problems to happen, right?” she asked.

“Exactly,” I said. “You have to find the root causes and fix them. Someday you’ll learn in life that most often a seemingly small symptom is the result of a very complex cause – from relationships to business. … A smell is never just a smell in these cases. Always look deeper.”

I Am Who I Am

By Mark E. Smith

I’m heading back to Detroit at this writing. It seems that city, which has far more going for it than most realize, can’t get enough of me. This trip, I’m giving the keynote address at a healthcare leadership conference for doctors and hospital executives. My theme is,”The Quality of a Practitioner’s Character Dictates the Quality of Care.”

See, I know a little bit about the subject – or, more aptly, I’ve known the impact of a practitioner’s character on patients’ care since right before my birth.

Twenty minutes or so before my birth, my mother was given an epidural, a routine anesthesia to lessen the pain of child birth. However, an incorrect amount was given by the anesthesiologist – a massive overdose – resulting in my mother not breathing, with me quickly born not breathing, as well. To make matters worse, the delivery room staff forgot to have an infant respirator in the room or even on that hospital floor, and when they did get one, it had a hole in it, not properly maintained. I was manually resuscitated by the delivery doctor, minutes of brain-damaging loss of oxygen having passed.

It later came out in court that, in an attempt to bolster his income, the anesthesiologist was illegally moonlighting, working revolving shifts unbeknownst to anyone between a military hospital and the public hospital where I was born. By his own admission, he had been working 90 hours, with virtually no sleep, when he administered my mother’s overdose of anesthesia.

Now, it is true that there was a snowball effect. The overdose of the anesthesia caused me to stop breathing, then the lack of an infant respirator prolonged my loss of appropriate oxygen, and then the final broken infant respirator was simply a topping on the cake, you might say. And, it all culminated in my severe cerebral palsy.

Again, I know a little bit about how the quality of a practitioner’s character dictates the quality of care.

Now, there are a lot of potentially different outcomes looking back. If the anesthesiologist hadn’t given my mother the overdose, everyone agreed that I wouldn’t have cerebral palsy. However, what if a nurse had ensured that an infant respirator was in the room – would that slight attention to detail have prevented my condition? Or, what if someone ensured that the broken respirator was repaired – would that slight attention to detail have lessened my condition?

The answers in my case are, no one will ever know. What happened, happened. And, truly, it’s of no concern to me. I’m proud of what I’ve made of my life, where it’s about potentials, not limitation, where it’s about passion for what I have, not longing for what I might have lost. I am who I am because of who I am – and I would never change that. I would never change me.

Yet, for others to come, my experience does teach a valuable lesson: The quality of a practitioner’s character does dictate the quality of care.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my publicist and I have a plane to catch. Cerebral palsy, no matter – I’m rock-starring this gig!

Bigger, Faster, Stronger

By Mark E. Smith

Alight, I admit it, I’m one of those sentimental fools who gets fired up about the New Year. I’m not about New Year’s resolutions, though. I’m about continuing courses, plotting new courses, and forever getting better at this thing called life. And, I’m stoked for 2013, where my motto is Bigger, Faster, Stronger – that is, in all aspects of my life.

I’m hitting the ground running (not literally, of course, as curing myself of cerebral palsy is far too lofty of a goal!), pumped with a new book project. Books in progress are a bit like creating a new product, where you keep them a bit under wraps till you’re closer to launch (it’s a competitive edge thing). However, it’s about mobility and people – and that’s cool stuff! I’m looking forward to getting out on the road, having some fascinating conversations with mobility and disability icons, and undoubtedly learning more about all of our potentials in life to do what others might not dare in the face of adversity.

My role as father continues as my most cherished. On the one hand, my daughter and I are closer than ever, in a great emotional groove. On the other hand, my daughter is growing up fast, demonstrating such amazing potentials, a dad’s true pride. She’s on the honor role; is in the school and district bands; is a member of the National Thespian Society, and acts; she has her photography currently on display in an art gallery; has an Eagle Scout boyfriend; and, is in driver’s education (first car, March!). So, I’m learning more and more that parenting isn’t about letting go of the rope, but giving a bit more slack – and I’m so proud of not just how she’s handling her independence, but also who she’s becoming as a young woman: compassionate, humble, loving, and sincere. It’s extraordinary to watch as a parent, and my life would be merely a blank page without her. I’ve had my adversities in life, but the single blessing of my daughter trumps them all toward my never-ending gratitude.

Of course, I continue working on myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. As iconic wheelchair racer and amazing spirit, Candace Cable, recently flattered me with, “Yes, Mark, I admire your ripped-ness,” I continue working out like a maniac in my gym. I’ll be 42 in March, and I’m physically in better shape than ever. I guess it’s one thing to have cerebral palsy, and another to be middle-age. But, to be both and be ripped… well… that’s an impressive feat, if I say so myself (and I do!). I can’t wait to see how much farther I can push myself in the coming year. Seeing your body sculpted at this age is admittedly fun, especially when few expect it from one with my disability level. But, it’s really the challenge that inspires me – the actual work it takes to literally become bigger, faster, stronger! I met ‘80s icon, Rick Springfield, recently, who’s 63 and he’s totally ripped, so if Rick can look that awesome at 22 years my senior, I better keep pushing bigger, faster, stronger!

Also toward the physical – and admittedly superficial! – I’m growing my hair out for the first time in 15 years. However, I have no intention of just growing my hair out. No, I want the craziest rock-star hair that styling products can make. I want the kind of hair that it takes an hour to make it look that messy. I want the woman in my life to run her fingers through my hair and think it’s the hottest thing ever. I want to come off stage, and have someone say, “That was a great talk, but your hair is freakin’ awesome!” I want to make Russell Brand look sane!

Toward the emotional and spiritual, 2013 turns a major page in my life. I’ve written a lot about my struggling with feeling worthy of love – and, Lord knows I’ve struggled! But, I’m done struggling. I’ve realized that those in my past incapable of truly loving me don’t define my value. I love fully, I strive in my relationships, and I give all that I have to those I love – and they now give back to me. I’m done with this not feeling worthy of love bull. I’m worthy because I’m me, and you’re worthy because you are you. I’m not longing for love or needing love – I am love, and that’s enough. Put simply, I have ridiculous amounts of love to give, and my heart is more receptive than ever – let the love in, baby! And, what’s not to love about a ripped bod and forthcoming rock-star hair?

And, in the area of love, I’m looking forward to catching up with so many great friends in 2013. I believe that the quality of our friends reflects the quality of our character and, ultimately, the quality of our life. I’ve been blessed with developing among the wisest, sincerest friendships that I could fathom. They’re scattered around the country, and my time with each of them throughout the year always teaches me a bit more about myself and life – I never leave a visit or conversation without growing somehow in the process. So, get the guest rooms ready because I’m showing up in 2013 – it’s a priority of mine! (And, when I say, “showing up,” it means I’m like Publishers Clearing House – I’ll just appear on your porch with balloons one morning.)

As for spirituality, I’m totally excited to once again be spending my birthday, the first week of March, in Las Vegas – you know, Sin City. …Wait, that doesn’t sound spiritual at all! Actually, Dave Ramsey is doing a personal growth seminar there that week, titled, “Living a Legacy.” Dave isn’t everyone’s gig, as he mixes the biblical with the practical to convey ethical leadership skills in business, family, and life, but he sure nails his subject matter as a brilliant speaker. So, I’m excited to close the first quarter of 2013 on such an inspired adventure – and further define my legacy in a bigger, faster, stronger kind of way.

Of course, bigger, faster, stronger applies to the mobility industry, as well. We not only have bill H.R. 4378 gaining momentum – which strives to gain complex rehab technology its own funding class and removes the in-home-use-only funding rule – but CELA is a bigger educational event this year, both great causes that I’m focused on (look for my column in the February issue of HME News). On the product side, you will be seeing innovation in a lot of power mobility areas – can’t say what, but cool stuff is in the pipeline.

I could go on and on because I’m so pumped about 2013, but my point is this: I have no New Year’s resolution. But, what I can promise you is that for 2013, I will be bigger, faster, stronger in all parts of my life – namely because I never stop loving, learning, and giving. If we just follow those three paths, we can’t help but become bigger, faster, stronger! …But, rock-star hair takes a little more time.

The Power of Choice

By Mark E. Smith

I recently had the pleasure of speaking to a very large group of diverse professionals – executives, CEOs, managers, and small-business owners.

In a rapport-building exercise, I asked the group to be open and trusting, and by a show of hands, how many of them felt that 2012 was a great year for them? Two of us – yes, I was one of them – raised our hands.

I then asked how many people had a terrible year in 2012, and it was a sea of hands in the air, with seemingly everyone raising their hands.

Then, I asked how many people had an in-between year in 2012, and three people raised their hands.

There was a fairly round number of attendees at the conference, of diverse backgrounds and occupations, and what I realized was that, mathematically, 95% of them raised their hands that they’d had a terrible year.

I went on to do my talk about “recognizing the treasure within each of us,” and then we had a question-and-answer session. And, as is my ultimate blessing and privilege, the program went fantastic, where from the host to attendee surveys, I was noted as the highlight of the conference.

Yet, as my publicist and good friend, Haley, and I got in my van, starting it to leave, I asked, “How is it that 95% of those participants had a terrible year?” It really did trouble me, where I wanted to go back and learn each person’s story. I mean, I know all of us go through tough – sometimes, hellish – times in our lives, so there undoubtedly is more pain in the lives of those around us than we realize. I can only imagine how many people in that room experienced a painful relationship, illness in the family, financial troubles, depression, and on and on during 2012. Yet, to have 95% of a large audience tell me they’ve had a terrible year truly saddened me.

Interestingly, just prior to that conference, I’d read that 63% of Americans feel that the best is past, that only worst times are to come – a record high of discouragement in our country today. Again, I know that these are tough times for many, but the lack of hope and optimism is downright alarming.

All of this reminded me of the hellish times in my life – from the petty like riding my power wheelchair to work in horrible snow storms, to the more serious like finding my mother with her wrists slit on my 10th birthday, to my sister having cancer, to being in painful relationships, and so on – but I don’t recall having what I would label an outright bad year, not to mention a bad week (a bad day, here or there, but that’s to be expected). There’s always some blessing – yes, even during hellish times.

So, what was it that made 2012 a great year for me, as opposed to 95% of my peers that day? Gratitude and personal growth. Sure, I can make the year sound terrible, too: As a full-time single father with cerebral palsy, with the economy in the dumps, and my sister having another cancer scare, the year had its challenges. Yet, while I acknowledged each adversity, I chose not to let them define my year. Instead, I had a great year. My daughter’s doing extremely well, there’s a special lady in my life, I still live totally debt free, my sister is healthy, and I maintain rewarding work. No, my life isn’t easy on the daily basis, but in the larger picture, all is blessed. Why focus on the trying times of 2012, when there’s so much to be thankful for?

And, that’s where all of this ties together. While we can’t control many circumstances that bring adversities into our lives, we always retain the ultimate ability to address them: Are you going to choose to focus on defeat or victory, the challenges or the successes, the curses or blessings? You have the power to choose the perspectives in your life – we all do.

And, it was Haley who raised a great point that day. Maybe the 95% of people at that conference who declared having a terrible year were only thinking of the bad, not the blessings? Despite some adversities, surely there were great moments in all of their lives in 2012 – they were just choosing to focus on the negative, albeit even if just being put on the spot with my question.

For the New Year, I hope more of us employ the conscious power of choice – that is, choosing to focus on the positives. The fact is, focusing on the negative stalls us, while focusing on the positive empowers us. When we’re negative, we dwell; when we’re positive, we accomplish. …And, we know which gets results and inspires us. The power of choice isn’t rocket science.

We’re all going to face adversities in 2013, and of course we should acknowledge and address them. I’m not saying pretend that adversities don’t exist – they do, and the only way to resolve them is to address them. However, rather than hyper focusing on only the negatives in a situation – or, forbid, our whole lives – let us focus on the positives. I’ve never encountered an adversity in my life where there ultimately wasn’t opportunity or blessing. It hasn’t always been immediately evident or timely, but truly, even the worst times of pain have brought my life to higher levels of opportunity and blessing.

So, how do we shift toward the positive powers of choice? …By consciously looking at the positives, and moving our perspectives in that direction – it’s that simple.

Maybe you’re entering the New Year with a relationship on the rocks because you’re both dwelling on the negatives. Get on the same page as a couple, remind each other why you fell in love in the first place, and choose as a team to focus on those positives – don’t settle for an end when you can reignite the beginning. Choose to keep learning, growing, and loving.

Just because the economy is down, doesn’t mean you have to be down – choose to focus on the positives and opportunity – and look for them where you wouldn’t expect. A college buddy of mine was an executive at the country’s largest newspaper chain, but was laid off a year ago based on changing times. He’s been out of work ever since, but has volunteered with Habitat for Humanity, filling his time of adversities with efforts that bless others, having now helped build dozens of homes for those in need. Nevertheless, his actions weren’t always so selfless. His ultimate dream for years was simply to own a Ferrari, loving the car when he finally bought it in 2008. He called me not too long ago and said, “Mark, I have great news – I sold my Ferrari.”

I was puzzled because he loved that car, and it was a dream realized, so how was selling it great news?

“That car was a double blessing in disguise,” he told me. “When I bought it, it was my most prized possession, and when I sold it, it was a true blessing – that car just paid my daughter’s college tuition when I couldn’t have afforded it.”

My friend didn’t look at dreams lost by having to sell his beloved car based on job loss, but he saw dreams realized by using it to pay his daughter’s tuition. He chose to look at the positive in what those who were more superficial may have seen as a disappointment.

Of course, we’re not islands, and those around us have a huge impact on how we see the world and feel. Part of the power of positive choice is choosing who’s in our lives and how we deal with them. In my life, I’ve made big strides over the years to avoid those who bring negativity and drama into my life. I want reciprocating relationships of inspiration – and I’m striving to be that person, as well. If we’re around lousy people, with bleak outlooks, who are emotional and psychological vacuums, we’re going to get sucked into what Dave Ramsey calls the “language of losers,” people who are so negative that they just pull us down. Instead, we should surround ourselves with champions, those who ooze positivity and are our peers in positive outlooks. People who pump us up – who are excited about life – are who we should choose to have around us, just as we should do for others.

With 2013 right around the corner, I still have no idea what it has in store for me. I’m betting that there will be adversity – I don’t know in what form, or how severe, but it will be there. Nevertheless, I’m also betting that I’ll get through it with strides, as I always have, knowing that adversity is always lined with opportunity and blessing. Join me in choosing the power of positivity to make 2013 among our best years ever, regardless of what it brings.

Hill Holders for Life

hill

By Mark E. Smith

In the realm of manual wheelchair technology, there’s a mechanism commonly called a “hill holder.” As you push up a hill, the hill holder works as an automatic, one-direction brake – the wheelchair can’t roll backward, only forward, allowing ultimate progress pushing up the hill. In fact, even on the steepest of hills, you can push forward, let your hands off of the wheels, and the wheelchair stays right where you want it, guaranteeing constant progress.

I often think that we need hill holders in life – emotionally, mentally, financially, physically, spiritually. We need a mechanism that prevents backward slides on our momentum. You’ve heard the saying, Two steps forward, one step back… well… that’s our hill holders not working.

No, if we’re to learn, grow, and succeed, we need hill holders firmly in place, where we only go forward in life, not backward. Have you ever paid off your credit cards, only to use them again? Have you ever struggled with an addiction, only to start again? Have you ever vowed to stay out of unhealthy relationships, only to get in yet another one? Have you ever vowed to diet and workout, only to overindulge and go back to being a couch potato? In whole, have you ever tried to make positive changes, forward momentum in life, only to end up going backward, to old patterns? Most of us have, for any number of reasons – returning to negative comfort zones, being scared of progress, low self-esteem… self-sabotaging roots. I know, I’ve been there, and still find myself there at times!

But, that’s where real life hill holders come into play – when things get tough, they keep us from going backward, from losing momentum, from throwing away great progress in our life.

I met an acquaintance who had completely turned around his whole life. He went from divorced, broke, alcoholic, and spiritually bankrupt to having a soul mate, a great career, not drinking, and becoming a pastor – all in about six years. Now, six years is a long time, but to make such complete, radical changes over any period is impressive. When I asked him his secret to success, he said that it started with personal accountability – the ultimate hill holder – but then he went the extra step and only surrounded himself with people who brought out excellent in him (even if we’re not savvy enough to catch ourselves off of track, let’s at least surround ourselves with those who care enough to catch us).

My acquaintance is a great example of installing hill holders in our lives. We may be compelled to go backward toward that which is bad for us – it’s easier to roll back down the hill than to push up it! However, if we do that, our lives never improve, and we never succeed. Instead, hill holders keep our forward momentum, where despite being scared or self-sabotaging or lazy, accountability and our support network kicks in to bolster our progress.

Be brave enough to use hill holders in your life, and you”ll achieve greater vistas than you ever imagined.