April 2014 – PowerchairDiaries

Even When Losing, Let’s Win

By Mark E. Smith

I speak a lot about seeing opportunity in adversity because it’s where our biggest successes are formed, and it’s really been the guiding principle of my life. If you can take the bleakest circumstance and turn it completely around – to work not against you, but for you – that’s where the most rewarding circumstances of our lives occur.

I was recently mortified when I was informed by one of my team members that I’d missed an article deadline. These days, I write several formal magazine articles per month, with deadlines six to eight weeks in advance of publication. And, I’m fanatical about deadlines, where I never run up to the wire, always ahead of the game. But, this article escaped me. I don’t know if I’d never received the request or if I simply totally forgot about it; but, for whatever reason, I had no recollection of it. I’d missed the deadline, let the editor and my staff down, and, of most regret, I’d blown an opportunity to publish a piece that I believed could impact the lives of others with a very poignant topic. I’d failed completely.

Yet, I don’t give up that easily. I immediately took ownership and disclosed to my whole staff that I’d blown it, that for reasons I couldn’t explain nor excuse, I’d dropped the ball. And, I asked all to give me the opportunity to try to make things right. I went to the editor and sincerely apologized, noting that my failure was inexcusable, but if she could give me two days, I could make things right. She, understandably, was reserved, but gave me two days to write a 1,600-word article – a seemingly impossible task considering all of my existing commitments over those 48 hours. And, reading between the lines, the editor didn’t seem too optimistic, as pulling off a 1,600-word article of quality in two days is rarely accomplished.

Yet, I had the only tool I needed: opportunity. The editor was gracious enough to give me a second chance, two days to rise to a challenge – and I thrive on the opportunity in adversity. And, so I squeezed a half hour here and five minutes there, and rather than neglecting any other obligations, I wrote around them – literally – and got the job done. But, was the quality of the piece up to par, or had I struck out twice?

Upon submitting the piece, just a day before the editor needed to go to lay-out with the magazine, I didn’t hear back from her – that is, until she let me know that she’d decided to give my piece both the feature position and the cover, as big of compliment that writers get. In 48 hours, I went from a no-show to the feature. Talk about going from a zero to a hero.

Now, it is true that without the editor extending me the gracious opportunity, I’d been shut out, and rightfully so. After all, I missed the original deadline. However, by not accepting a loss, assuming accountability and seizing opportunity in adversity, I scored big time. I went from losing to winning, from out of the magazine to getting the feature and the cover.

Think about how many times in all of our lives we find ourselves at a dead end, a game-over moment. Think about how many people accept that and just quit. No, these are the times of utmost possibilities in our lives, where a dead end is virtually always a fantastic starting point. What’s to the right or the left or beyond that dead end? That’s where to look, that’s where there’s always opportunity in adversity.

Reasons Not Excuses

By Mark E. Smith

My brother, six days less than a year older than me, is a private man, and so rarely do I speak or write of him. And, his story is one that he may not want told. But, it should be told, a cautionary tale for many.

At 17, my brother dropped out of high school and lived in his car. And, it all made sense. He was on the plight that made perfect sense coming from estranged, alcoholic parents and a childhood that went from harrowing to hellish at times. Incarceration, substance abuse and poverty were par for the course. And, so if I told you that from that point on, my brother drifted, dabbled in drugs and jail time, there’d be no surprise – he had every reason to do so.

But, he didn’t do that. With no family support, he worked at a gas station, lived in his car, and saved enough money to rent an apartment. He enrolled in adult school, was promoted to Assistant Manager at the gas station, then Manager, then became a Regional Manager for Shell service stations. He got married, rented a nicer apartment, and made a bold move, becoming a tile setter, getting his contractor’s license, establishing himself as a master tile setter, doing the likes of Danny Glover’s house and multi-million dollar homes. He had two daughters, and after 20 years in the same little apartment, he saved up the cash to buy his dream home, nestled on wooded property in Northern California.

At any time, my brother’s life could have jumped the tracks. The grips of our family lineage could have led his life down a dark past, just as it did every generation before us. Instead, he’s lived with intentionality. He’s refused to be a substance abuser, where he knows when not to drink and certainly knows when to stop. He, who didn’t have a dad, has proved himself as a lifelong amazing dad. And, never knowing a sustained marriage in our family’s history, he’s passed the two-decade mark with his wife.

See, here’s what you need to know about my brother: He’s an astounding father, husband and man. And, he’s done it based on a core principle of personal accountability. Our upbringing demonstrates that there are reasons why so many fall into generational traps of abhorrent behavior. Yet, my brother’s intentional life proves a far more valuable lesson. While we can point to reasons for issues like substance abuse and poor parenting, there simply are no excuses. We all make decisions, we all have control over our life paths, and there’s no gray between right and wrong when it comes to individuals of true integrity like my brother.

At the End of the Tunnel

By Mark E. Smith

In my roles within the mobility industry, I often encounter very difficult situations. No, I don’t mean broken wheelchairs or grumpy customers – those are typically easy to resolve. Rather, the difficult situations I face are families in emotional crises, where a husband is newly paralyzed or parents have lost a child to a progressive condition like muscular dystrophy. And, along that harrowing road over the past 15 years, I’ve seen such families turn tragedy into triumph, while others crumbled into ruins. What is it, then, that separates these two outcomes? What is it that allows couples to survive devastating circumstance while others dissolve?

I’m not a psychologist or a sociologist, nor have I done any scientific studies. But, I am a real, thinking, feeling person with empathy toward those facing adversity – I’ve been there and I know what it’s like. And, as I’ve been in the trenches with families in crises, I’ve observed two very distinct factors that allow couples to face and overcome life’s most profound tragedies, actually strengthening relationships, not destroying them.

The first is factor that successful couples have in the face of adversity is unyielding love and respect for each other. Now, all couples will say that they have unyielding love and respect for each other, and it seems obvious that couples would have this. But, we live in a culture where relationships are about as sacred as trip through a drive-thru, and there’s too often very little respect among partners. Think about couples around you, or maybe your own relationship, where each individual makes him or herself the priority, not the relationship or partner. Or, think about how moodiness, arguing and name calling are deemed acceptable by many. Those are traits of dishonor and disrespect, and when crisis hits, such couples are doomed. In crises, the blame-game ensues and rather than protecting each other’s hearts, they go for the jugular.

However, surviving couples are different. Mutual respect reigns over moodiness, arguing and name calling. Surviving couples run toward the safety and shelter of their relationship during crises, not away from it. There’s a sanctity to the relationship that’s upheld, serving as an unconditional safety net during crises.

Statistically, the average length of marriage prior to divorce is eight years. Why eight years? Money magazine recently reported that over any 10-year period, we have a 98% chance of facing a major life crisis, albeit financial, health-related, and so on. Therefore, if we’re in rocky relationships, and are all but certain to face a crisis, of course it’s just a matter of time before it’s game over, logically right around that 8-year mark.

Yet, truly loving, respectful couples ultimately find crises as opportunities to grow close together. So, at eight years, having faced crises and embraced each other, their commitment is stronger. A couple simply has to have unyielding love and respect to weather crises. I have yet to meet a couple who’s stayed together through a life-changing crisis who didn’t have a foundation of unyielding love and respect for each other.

The second trait that I’ve found couples must have in order to survive a life-changing crisis is a sense of a higher power. Now, I don’t mean formal religion – although it’s often the case – but a true belief in a guiding force that everything happens for a reason, with larger meaning and purpose. This is such a powerful tool toward coping and healing because it often explains the inexplicable.

I was born with severe cerebral palsy. If I looked at that as a random act, solely making me suffer, can you imagine how bleak my world view would be – there’d be no purpose for my life. However, if I truly believe that there’s a purpose to why I received cerebral palsy, I then naturally look for the positives, giving my life purpose and meaning. Couples who succeed through tragedy do exactly this – that is, they share a belief in a larger purpose and meaning to all. If one or both partners are bitter or resentful over a crisis, again, they’ll go for the jugular, not the heart – and the relationship won’t survive. Both partners must believe in a higher power of meaning and purpose.

What I know is that given enough time – statistically within a 10-year period – couples will face crises. And, having witnessed many families experience the most harrowing of circumstances, I can attest to this fact: As long as you and your partner have unyielding love and respect, and believe in a larger meaning and purpose to all, you’ll make it hand-in-hand to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Times of Need

By Mark E. Smith

For most of us, we’re far more comfortable giving than receiving. Yet, giving and receiving must be equally embraced if we are to truly have healthy, reciprocating relationships. Just as we strive to love and support others in their times of need, we must welcome their love and support in our times of need.

Now, I know it can be hard, where pride and ego can make it very emotionally difficult to receive in times of need. If you’ve been the bread-winner in your family, and your in-laws want to pay your mortgage because you’ve been out of work, that may be a difficult gift to receive. If you have a disability and your spouse wants to help with your daily care, that can be a difficult gift to receive. Or, if you’re a single parent and friends wish to watch your children to give you a break, that can be a difficult gift to receive. The examples go on and on, and I’m sure that you can think of examples from your own life where you’ve emotionally struggled with receiving from others on some level. However, here’s the heartfelt truth: when others offer to support us in our times of need, they do so out of love, and if we – again, out of falsities of pride, ego or embarrassment – reject their support, it will almost always be interpreted as some sort of rejection of their love. What’s more, in an intimate relationship, if we are always striving to be there for our partners, but won’t allow them to be there for us, it can be like slamming an emotional door in their face – and the inequity created will destroy the relationship. The fact is, love isn’t just about giving, but receiving.

One aspect of my life is that I can aspirate in my sleep, a very dangerous condition. Fortunately, due to preventative measures, I keep it under control, and when I do awake aspirating, I’m able to roll over and sit up, literally saving my life at times. Unfortunately, because my lungs fill with fluid, I become extraordinarily ill for 10 to 12 hours, with a 102-degree fever, till my lungs clear. As you might imagine, this can be really scary for my partner. Therefore, in wanting to protect her, I wouldn’t wake her up when it happened. In the morning, however, she’d become upset with me, knowing that I aspirated but didn’t wake her up. However, she wasn’t upset out of anger but love. When our partner is sick, we want to be there for him or her, and through my stubbornness, I wasn’t allowing her to be there for me. Not only was I wrong by robbing her of peace of mind – as she wanted to be immediately aware of the situation so she could help – but I also wasn’t fostering a reciprocating relationship. I wanted to give, give, give to her, but indirectly, I wasn’t fully allowing her to give back in among my times of need. That was painful for her to experience, and lousy on my part by thwarting reciprocation in our relationship. As a result, I became much more respectful of her concern for me, letting her know when I aspirated, allowing her to care for me. If we are to truly love someone, we must let him or her truly love us in our times of need, as well.

See, in loving, the one aspect we wish most is peace of mind. We want to know that those we love are healthy, safe and secure. The same goes for those who love us – that is, they want to know we’re healthy, safe and secure. And when we don’t allow others in, it causes them stress, anxiety and heartache. Letting others be there for us, as we wish to be there for them, offers peace of mind to those we love – and that’s one of the most humble yet powerful gifts we can give.

I discussed this overall subject with my sister, and she replied that it takes tremendous humility to allow others to be there for us in our most vulnerable times of need. And, she was right. We must let down our guard and inherently trust that those wishing to be there for us do so out of unconditional love and respect, and we should never interject insecurities into the dynamic. If someone wishes to assist you out of love and respect, allow him or her, as it’s a testament to your character, too.

Ultimately, no one gets through life alone. When we’re fortunate, we have the opportunity to love and support others in their times of need. However, let us not forget that love is reciprocation, and we must allow others to likewise love and support us if we are to have truly healthy relationships. Therefore, sometimes the greatest gift that we can give someone we love is the sincere opportunity for him or her to love and support us in return – especially in our times of need.