October 2013 – PowerchairDiaries

The Right Question

By Mark E. Smith

I’ve been running a mobility-related message board online for around 15 years. During that time, I think I’ve seen it all – the good, the bad, and the ugly. The anonymity that some feel online knows no boundaries.

However, recently, someone posed a question to me that was a first. Admittedly taken much out of context here and paraphrased, someone asked me, “Why should you feel it morally right having a job, home, van, and ATV when so many others with disabilities do not?”

Within the context of the conversation, asking me such a question certainly seemed audacious, and even ruder paraphrased here. Nevertheless, I answered the question, simply explaining that I’ve made sacrifices and worked really hard.

However, here’s what’s interesting: If one wished to be successful, it was the wrong question to ask.

See, in my early 20s, my mentor was Dr. Wayman R. Spence. He was known as the grandfather of the anti-smoking movement starting in the 1960s, formed a health education company, went on to invent sports medicine products, and was a widely-published author and art collector. Ultimately, Dr. Spence, as we called him, sold his biggest company, Spenco Medical (going strong till this day) to Kimberly-Clark in the 1980s, making an insane amount of money. By the early 1990s, when I met Dr. Spence through my writing, his life was dedicated to supporting the arts and philanthropy. My writing was actually terrible at the time, but he insisted that if I focused on it and pursued formal education, I could build a successful career. And, I listened.

As my mentor, Dr. Spence gave me weekly assignments. His secretary called me with insane challenges like, “Dr. Spence wants you to call Norman Vincent Peale…. Here’s his number.” And, so I’d cold call all sorts of famous writers, speakers and artists who Dr. Spence knew. And, I was terrified every time.

Yet, Dr. Spence taught me a life-changing lesson that I used then and I use now: Never wonder why a person is successful. Rather, always ask how he or she became successful. Then, apply that knowledge to your own pursuits. That’s how you learn, grow, and succeed. It’s modeling positive behaviors that others prove successful over 30- or 40-year careers.

I had to call painter, Jose Perez, one day, and ask him how he became a great painter?

“I wasn’t born a painter. No one is,” he told me. “I’m a painter because I paint every day, and have done so for many years. That doesn’t make me great, it just makes me successful.”

That one conversation profoundly effected my life because simply by asking Jose how he became successful, I learned a key trait of extraordinary people: daily discipline – over decades. I could be successful at virtually any pursuit as long as I sincerely dedicated myself to it. I bet in the last 20 years, I might have missed 10 days of writing; otherwise, per Jose, I write every day, period.

Since my life lessons facilitated by Dr. Spence in the early 1990s, I’ve spent my career not just practicing what some amazing people taught me, but I’ve continued asking how? If you want to come to terms with your disability, ask others who’ve done it, how they did it? If you want to succeed in your field, ask others who are successful in the field how they’ve achieved it. If you want to have a successful relationship, ask couples who’ve been married 50 years how they’ve sustained it.

See, there’s no mystery to success. If someone has accomplished something, it can be replicated. You merely need to learn and practice those behaviors in many cases. There are always going to be extreme cases, as with Mal Mixon who, at 39, close to my present age, on a career path similar to mine, went from working a corporate job to 25 years later being a CEO and a billionaire. When I spent an afternoon interviewing him this past spring, my intent wasn’t to become a billionaire, but to understand how he’s done what he’s done, and I’ve applied many of his insights to my own career already. Namely, tenacity to a level that few dare, where no simply means, try a different approach, as was the case when he was trying to buy Invacare in 1978, then an ailing little wheelchair company owned by Johnson & Johnson, having overcome cancer, with virtually no money, and everything went wrong. Yet, his dream was to own his own company, and he flat-out refused to take no as an answer, finding ways around every road block. It’s easy to look at Mal as a billionaire now and wonder why he’s been so lucky? However, I learned one-on-one how he’s succeeded, and luck had nothing to do with it. You force your way through obstacle after obstacle, an approach I know a lot about.

Therefore, the next time you encounter someone who’s achieved what you wish, don’t ask why they have done it when others haven’t, as that voids your personal accountability, suggesting that he or she has had some magic or good fortune that no one else has. Instead, ask how the individual has accomplished it – and then you’ll be a lot closer to accomplishing it, too.

From Suitcases to Slates

Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing there’s a future. -Daphne Rose Kingma

By Mark E. Smith

We all know that we can’t physically be in two places at once, so what makes us think that we can do it emotionally? Or, more specifically, what makes us think that we can thrive in the present while dwelling on the past?

We can’t. Just as we can’t physically be in two places at once, emotionally we can’t dwell on our pasts and thrive in our presents. Yet, how many of us try or have tried or know those who have tried. But, in the end, we must pick one: are we going to dwell on the past or live in the present – we can’t have both, and if we try to juggle both, it will destroy us and often hurt those around us.

In my line of work and life, I see it every day. I’ve even lived it. In the disability realm, I encounter those so longing for their pre-disability pasts that they can’t see the value of all around them in the present. In relationships, I encounter those so bitter about an ex that they’re blind to the life-changing love in front of them. In the work force, I encounter those so resentful of a career lost that they won’t pursue a new career. And, I see adults so enveloped by the pain of what they experienced as children that they’re incapable of parenting their own children. Every day, I see people pretend to live in the present, but truly living in the past. And, when we live in the past, we’re not living at all. We’re simply reliving a story that will never change.

And, that’s the difference between living in our pasts versus living in our presents. When we live or dwell in our pasts – even if they were great – there’s no potential or hope. The past is frozen, never changing, and it freezes us, preventing any chance of moving our lives forward. You cannot move forward when focused on the past.

However, living in the present is the opposite – that is, it offers potential and hope, where virtually anything is possible.

Want to sabotage the rest of your life? Bring a packed suitcase of the pain from the past wherever you go. Want to live the life of your dreams? Live with an unguarded slate that’s available for all to leave loving inscriptions.

Nevertheless, living in the past can prove successful in one profound way: avoiding accountability. If you focus on how great your life was before acquiring a disability, you can find every excuse not to make the most of yourself now. If you focus on how your heart was broken in your last relationship, it gives the perfect excuse not to let love into your life now. If you focus on your long lost job, it gives the perfect excuse not to look for a new job now. And, if you focus on how dysfunctional your childhood was, it gives the perfect excuse not to be a great parent now. Living in the past is great because it makes you a forever victim, and victims aren’t held responsible. Of course, this mindset is completely self-defeating – and usually hurts those around you, too – but if you truly want to ruin your life, and accept no accountability, dwelling on your past is a dysfunctional person’s dream come true. You mean, I can ruin my life, hurt those who truly love me, and do it all with no sense of accountability – awesome!

With so many among us unsuccessfully trying to live in the past and present at once – which we know doesn’t work! – how do we go through the process, then, of moving beyond our past to relishing our present? Well, that’s just it, it’s a process, a literal movement. Just as we must physically move to go from one place to another, we must do the same with our emotions in a healthy process. And, “process” is the operative word. We must address and heal from the past, and that will bring us into the present. Let’s address what was, and move into what is. By accepting the past, and recognizing that potential and hope only are possible in the present, we go from surviving to truly thriving, achieving the levels of success, contentment, and love that we all deserve.

As my friend, W. Mitchell puts it, “Have you ever noticed that windshields are much larger than rear-view mirrors?” …There’s good reason for that in cars – and even more so in life.

Enough As-Is

The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to be somebody else. ~E. E. Cummings

By Mark E. Smith

I joke with my friends that when I look in the mirror, others look back, complimenting me on my hair, but also warning me that squirrels are out to get me. As a result, I like my hair, but I’m paranoid of squirrels!

When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see? When you’re in public, are you comfortable in your own skin? Do you not get nervous speaking in front of groups? Or, even bolder, when you’re around your significant other, are you comfortable being nude, feeling beautiful or handsome or sexy?

I hope for you, the answers are all, yes. However, so many struggle with self-image. In pop-culture, the buzz word is body image, where we know how so many feel physically inadequate compared to airbrushed models in magazines or ripped movie stars. Yet, the issue is far more profound, as we know that the body, itself, is totally superficial, easily manipulated with clothes, cosmetics, plastic surgery or photo editing. Of course, the real issue comes from what others cant see: one’s self-image from deep within.

Poor self-image is the root of all self-doubt, from the physical to the mental to the emotional. And, it’s usually an inaccurate self degradation of who we truly are. In fact, it’s often the polar opposite of how the world sees us. I remember being in graduate school feeling like the least intelligent student on campus, an imposter. I worked hard, knew the material, spoke up in classes, got all A’s, won awards, and coeds flirted with me. Yet, I still felt like everyone was smarter and more talented than me – lord knows better looking than me as one with a disability. My self-image didn’t reflect what the world around me proved: I had every skill and talent to have earned my place at the top of my class, but I wasn’t convinced. My self-image didn’t match reality.

I subsequently spent many following years getting to know myself. I couldn’t change who I was from a physical perspective – there’s no cosmetics, plastic surgery or photo editing for cerebral palsy – so why not accept and ultimately embrace myself? It’s not about ego or narcissism; rather, it’s about realizing that among my flaws and foibles are talents and gifts. I am enough as-is.

And, realizing that I am enough as-is empowered my life and relationships. Confidence can be powerful but short sighted, giving you the courage to present yourself in a certain way to others in a given situation. However, knowing you are enough as-is takes every aspect of your life to a new level because any self-consciousness is removed and you live with ultimate comfort and freedom in simply who you are – from appearance to personality to intellect, you are enough as-is. You don’t need to compete or conform; rather, you can just be you.

What’s more, when you realize that you’re enough as-is, it opens you up to embracing others on the deepest levels because you know they’re enough as-is, too. And, when you realize that reciprocation – we’re all enough as-is – the world becomes an inspired, warm place. If we purely live with authenticity and vulnerability – both the truest of strengths – nothing intimidates or scares us. Life simply inspires us. When you say to the world, Here I am, take me as I am because I’m enough as-is, it frees you of all self-doubt and insecurities. There’s no room for anything but a positive, authentic self-image.

Now, the fact is, there are a lot of self-doubting, insecure people out there, and they’re not going to accept you, me or anyone as enough as-is because they refuse to accept themselves. But, that’s their tragedy, not ours. As I like to say, If you embrace me as-is, we’re going to have a great time. If you don’t embrace me as-is, as I extend equally to you, then get off of the Mark Bus because it goes to some pretty awesome places you’re not healthy enough to handle!

What’s most rewarding is that when living as enough as-is, and you meet people who on the surface seem totally superficial, you’ll be amazed at how quickly some can almost instantly drop the facade and become enough as-is, where you connect on the most genuine level. And, it’s touching to see them take a sigh of relief and let down their guard, realizing that they, too, can be enough as-is.

None of us, however, should use this as an excuse not to consistently pursue personal growth. To the contrary, recognizing ourselves enough as-is fuels personal growth. In a society where most exercise for superficial vanity reasons, I, too, workout. But, I do it to simply be the best I can be, regardless of anyone else’s ideal. Lots of guys are more muscular and stronger than me – and kudos to them. I just work out for my own enjoyment, and my body is what it is, enough as-is.

Most importantly, when you truly recognize yourself as enough as-is, it gets you out of validation mode. Think about all of the terrible situations we get ourselves in by pursuing the validation of others, from teens smoking due to peer pressure to employees compromising integrity to please a boss to those engaging in promiscuity to feel desired, and on and on. The minute that we truly recognize ourselves enough as-is, it removes the need for validation from others, creating much healthier decisions and life paths.

May the mirrors in your life reflect the amazing spirit in you, enough as-is, a person of tremendous contribution to the world around you. …As for the squirrels, you need not worry when looking in the mirror – they’re only out to get me.

Garages

By Mark E. Smith

When I was seven, my mom moved my brother and me into a friend’s garage. It was no mirage. For those few days, I felt homeless and helpless, useless and restless. It’s what happens when the rent’s not paid.

It was scary. Scars that I buried. And, now the chicks wonder why I focus on career and my daughter? Priorities straight, bills never late, and as for a date, they come and go like an occasional snow – storms in the night. It works, but is it right?

In business, I’m bustling. As a writer, I’m hustling. And, as a father I just try to do what’s right. I get done what needs to get done by day, but forever toss and turn at night. See, when we think all heals, again spin the wheels, reminding us of our original plight. Have you known such inner fight?

Work may seem an addiction, but paranoia is the affliction, getting as far from that garage as I can.

But, now I own my own, attached to a house. Dinner on the table, life turned into a fable, and my daughter sleeps soundly at night. I’ve penned books that tell stories, take stages in the glory, and look forward more than back. That’s right.

With a garage as home in your past, it’s always going to linger and always last. But, at some point I realize my past is so far. And, a garage is a garage, just some place for my daughter to park – her car.